Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Malaysia under the Rule of Extremists.

It was indeed an amazing day la, but I have for some reasons promised myself I would not blog about it, so I'm going to blog about something else.Seems also that some of my kind readers (who are kind enough to even come here la hehe) posted comments and sent me emails asking me to write more tongue-in-cheeks or feet-in-mouths or whatever la.

Came across a really really funny post today that just made me ROTFL.Seriously, sometimes the need to ridicule is evident for the own sake of our country.

As a Malaysian, it hurts me to see my fellow countrymen do something silly that we as a country become the laughing stock of the international community.So in the spirit of tongue-in-cheek , here are some pieces of news we can expect to read about if the extremist ultras have their way and rule this country.And before anyone throws hate mail my way, this term 'extremist ultras' only apply to the likes of those who throw firecrackers into church because their mom and dad did not teach them how to use technology wisely, or those who throw death threats around in the name of religion coz they have neither the intellect, nor political power, nor economic capability nor ballls to oppose what they oppose openly.

May we not live to see that day...where the likes of these dictates the likes of us what to do.To the rest of the Malaysians, I love you all, and as usual if your doctor, feng shui master or family yogi has suggested that you cannot read jokes made on political and religious lines, than please leave.I cannot guarantee the delicate state of your tiny mind will not erupt into this ball of volcanic hate that will eventually cause you to bomb a pub, throw Molokov cocktails into the wrong denomination church or butt-fuck a wild goat.Remember in the spirit of tongue in cheek, people.Enjoy..


"Christmas trees banned."

Kuala Lampha, Wednesday- Shoppers and business owners today were baffled when officials from the religious department started tearing down Christmas trees from shopping centers and confisticating the trees that were for sale.

Apparently, they were not aware of a new ruling out effective yesterday banning all Christmas trees and similar decorative items for Christmas.When asked on that matter, JAKIM head had this to say "Nonsense, of course we gave them ample warning.4 whole hours. This was aired on ALL government run radio channels not once, but twice at 4.00am and 4.30am this morning.This is just some vile propaganda by the evil missionaries who wanted to baptize a million Muslims last month."

Minister in the Prime Minister's Department clarified "Not all Christmas trees are banned.We allow posters and pictures of Christmas trees to be placed as long as they do not exceed 2 feet by 2 feet in size.They can place it on fridges and decorate it with magnets."

Retiree S Dorai pledged he will continue the tradition despite the government ban."I will use a banana tree instead.." he said, remaining adamant about it, not for a second caring that his name would be broadcast through this paper.

Malaysian Consultative Council on Buddhism, Christianity,Hinduism and Sikhism (MCCBCHS) has issued a statement as follows

"We, the MCCBCHS express concern on this latest development.We will continue to be concerned while observing the goings on.If this matter worsens, it will serve to deepen our concern on this.We would like to remind the government on our continued concern on this."

Asked to comment on this developments, former Prime Minister, Tun Dr Mahathir had only this to say "Apa nama....dah cakap dah, I told you so..."

"Kafir Zones"

Following the recent confusion stemming from the SMS issue , State Governments have been instructed to take steps to counter the problem.They have been told to instruct churches, temples and non-Muslim places of worship to remove their religious symbols and replace them with a large "K" to denote 'kaffir'. According to the Housing and Local Government Ministry,this is to not confuse certain extremists who were easily confused on who to hate.

"This way, we can hate them all equally and fairly" the statement read.

The Ministry is also setting up guidelines to seeting up Kafir zones where non-Islamic activities like karaoke bars, pubs and similar activities can be held.Guard posts will be located in every entry point and the government is mulling the idea of setting up a new type of passport for this concept, to be called 'Kafir Zones'.

Any Muslim found entering these areas will be immediately arrested, the statement continued.Oddly enough, a prerequisite for all these buildings are for places of worships to be located in the middle of bars.

According to the guidelines set, this is so that Christians etc can attend Sunday service immediately after a night of heavy clubbing so that they do not miss out on 'merit points'.
Also, if they get rejected in the bar, they can always go in and pray for a girl.Or if they commit a sin, they can immediately go for a confession.Similar reasons were cited for temples as well.

"We try to mind, wherever possible the welfare of other religions as well" - the statement concluded.

"Double Class Citizenship"

Putrajaya, Tuesday- The Goverment today declared that everyone else apart from Bumiputras who belong to the ruling part would be accorded Class 2 citizenship.This includes anti government Malays and PAS supporters.A statement from the Prime Minister's office stated "JAKIM has agreed to issuing a fatwa to this effect.A drinking, philandering Muslim who belongs to the Government is better in value than a pious Muslim belonging to the Opposition.JAKIM has also agreed to only harass Class 2 citizens from now on.That way, the PM's statement added, no one could accuse it of not doing its job,at the same time ensure than 'good people' do not get harassed for nothing.

It also stressed that Class 2 citizenship does not mean 2nd class citizen.It points out that Class 2 sounds better and is completely Syariah-compliant (The Malaysian version of syariah, at least)

When contacted, the MIC president had this to say "Kami sebagai rakan dalam Barisan Nasional sentiasa akan menyokong tindakan YAB Perdana Menteri.Kami memang tiada pendirian sendiri dari segi itu, jadi kami akan menyokong tindakan ini yang akan memajukan kaum India di Malaysia. In response to the question how exactly this would help the Malaysian Indian community, the President had this to say "Itu saya belum fikir, tapi YAB Perdana Menteri tidak akan membuat keputusan yang salah.1st class atau 2nd class tiada bezanya..."

Similarly, the MCA echoed this sentiment "Kami dalam MCA mengalu-alukan tindakan YAB Perdana Menteri yang sentiasa mementingkan semua kaum dalam segala keputusan yang diambil.Kami dari MCA berasa begitu bersyukur kerana kerajaan begitu prihatin dan membenarkan kami kaum Cina menumpang di sini.Nasib baik kami todak dihantar balik ke negeri China atau ditolak masuk Singapura, memang kami akan merana.
The DAP when contacted notified this paper that the entire population of DAP members has migrated to an unspecified small island south of Malaysia bordering Johor.But the party did not give out the name of the island.

However after much deliberation, the ruling party eventually 'dropped' the idea.But political analysts concur that it was simply a calculated political move to kill off the DAP.


-THE END-

P/S: if you missed it the first few times please know this is tongue in cheek and a pure satire.
P/S 2: My condolences to MENJ whose grandmother passed away recently.Though we may not always agree, losing a loved one is always painful.Sorry for your loss.

3 Comments:

Blogger devonic said...

LOL...I was having a very busy,tiring week...It took a shit of me,to just log to the web and check my mails..
By sheer coincidence,I found a very interesting topic yesterday..It was this post from your blog..
You've made my day man...For these two days,I've been going through your lovely blog...euphoria...I went hell loose..I am still laughing at your postings..
FYI,I have about 30 staff of Malays under me and today morning when I told them about what you wrote,we had a good laugh at it and enjoyed them...
Bravo man..Enjoyed your blog and to think most of your comments were running wild in my mind and to see actually you have blogged it down..kudos..
Don't worry about some sh**heads who don't even have a inkling what does a minority feels or even when basic human rights being "cabul-ed" .
Will keep your blog as one of my interesting blog man...Chow..

5:03 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

Hehe Devonic,

Thanks a lot for your most kind words.I was having a bad week that ended on a good note ;) You are most welcome ask me about it in MSN or something coz blogging about it might result in me being stoned or something.Will try and find your blog when I get home coz I'm at work now and your profile keeps getting blocked as pornography... :P

5:29 PM  
Blogger devonic said...

Same to you to buddy...I guess the problem was due to that i just created the blog and have resolved it,i guess...All ok now i guess...
Normally I don't venture out to MSN,but do you have a Yahoo handle..
And keep cheering up all those bored to earth people like me man...chow..

8:43 PM  

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