Sunday, November 12, 2006

A Tongue In Cheek Twist to the Sibilin Church Saga

Since everyone(including myself ) is wound up tight and tensions are high about the issue, I thought I'd pen or, rather keyboard what a colleague of mine and I chit chatted over dinner the other day.Strictly tongue in cheek and if you cannot take racial stereotyped based jokes,religion jokes, please step away now.The last thing I need is 1,000 strong mob outside my house demanding that I stop baptizing my plants.

So imagine what would've happened right, if ONE Catholic dude who's been having a lousy week, starting with having his girl dump him, to losing his laptop, to driving his car into a tree and ending the week with a severe bout with flu (wait , sounds familiar ah?) So when a group of seriously tense, sweaty people outside starts yelling insults like "Kalau Azhar masuk, bakar bangunan ni!" (I am wondering how many of them KNOWS what Azhar Mansor looks like) and throwing firecrackers (to scare the Holy Spirit away I guess) and that unlucky Catholic dude who has been having a hell of a week and just wants to get this long boring ceremony over with cannot tahan and  sneezes.And some projectiles of saliva makes its way onto the forehead of one of the mobsters outside and he freaks out, confused and unsure if this is part of the baptism ritual (spitting on the baptisee's forehead) and decides to give the almighty warcry "Laukk!"

And all hell breaks lose when pews, candlesticks,altar cloth, flowers and church bells are used as weapons of Mass destruction, as literally the Mass turns into destruction.On the other side, banners, kopiahs and motorcycle spare parts fly.And a group of Indian passers by, (usually of Kepong origin) after spending the night camping outside Chakravati's and sipping overpriced Tiger bought from 7-11,seriously drunk and sporting little parangs sees the commotion and seeing a few Indians, mistakes this for a gang fight and yells "Dei!!! Adi Daa!Adddee!"

And so, the Adidas gang (no pun intended) join the volley and while they are busy whacking the hell of each other, some Punjabi brothers and sisters celebrating Hol come around and sprays water on everyone.Now the Indian dudes gets enraged coz someone's trying to sober them up.The mob outside the church gets more confused and enraged coz they think its bad enough the Catholics are trying to baptize them, now the Punjabis are trying to baptize them too!

On the other hand, the Punjabis side half half coz half of them see the Indians and wanna side with them since we come from the same subcontinent, one quarter side with the Malay dudes coz they hate the Indians and another quarter side with the Malays as well, coz they're dating a Malay chick, who digs the whole Shah Rukh Khan thing.And we continue to bash each other up, and at this point BBC and CNN is having a field day by posting news that War has erupted in Malaysia and shows pictures of people having red dye all over them (from the Punjabi color powder used in Hol) and reports it as police brutality.It goes on to declaring that Malaysia has gone into a state of Emergency and that the military is staging a coup and that Big Foot has been seen around Putrajaya.By now the FRU has finally woke up and are starting to diffuse the situation by shooting water bombs.The mob turns on the  FRU as well, coz they think the Police are trying to baptize them as well.

 

Some Buddhists who have just finished their morning prayers and saunters over to see the commotion and their leader (usually a retired school teacher or bank manager) walks into the middle of the fray and chants in a serene voice "the Buddha's blessing be upon us all....." *Thonk!*( a stone hits him on the right head). But he continues "Peace, peace, conflict resolves nothing, it brings misery and pain..."  *Plunk!*( a piece of wood hits him on the forehead). And he goes on "Peace with oneself ... *Piang!*(Another object) "KNNCCB! Lin Peh you wanna fight , we fight la chao hai, people talk nicely lin peh you throw stick and stone at my head, lin peh think my head si lin peh metal ah, kanine" and so all the major races save the Sabahans and Sarawakians who are either busy harvesting 'padi bukit' or illegally harvested timber were involved in this.

Then suddenly, without ado, one by one in the fighting mobs, including the police mysteriously collapse and doze off into a sleep.After all have collapsed, from nearby trees, climbs a few Orang Asli, blowpipes in hand.

Orang Asli 1: Good shot my friend, I see the new sniperscope you ordered from Steyr served you well.I say, Mr Watson anak Temiang, what are these uncivilized people trying to do?

Orang Asli 2: I am uncertain of this erratic behavior of theirs, Mr Welton anak Jugo.Apparently they enjoy this kind of thing once in a while, they simply reject the notion of harmonious living with oneself and the environment as we do.How uncouth.

Orang Asli 1: Yes, they shun us because, we appear, well, half naked and still use blowpipes, and do not openly use high level English, or reveal our secret trade alliance of bulu memerang (squirrel fur) with China.

Orang Asli 2: Its a pity we cannot reveal ourselves to them fully, lest we be chased out of here and sent to Singapore.

Orang Asli 1: Oh, by the Spirits, curse the day I will go under Lee Kuan Yew.....Oh crap...They're about to wake, quick throw the lizard piss on them.That will wipe out their memory.

Orang Asli 2: Yes, and I need to hurry home. I have my sudoku to complete.Fortunately the Oracle saw this coming or it might devastate their tiny economy, and if China imposes sanctions on these morons, we can kiss our free trade zone  bye bye.Shh...they're waking, let's bugger off.

And as quickly and soundless as they came, off they went.

 

The End

 



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8 Comments:

Blogger 5xmom ~chanlilian.net~ said...

Hehehe, it may come true...who knows.

BTW, during homily this morning, I was told that so happened the other Sunday Gospel was coincidentally 'Love Thy Neighbour' and there were speakers placed outside the church (to cater for the extra visitors) and fulamak, I wonder if those 'other' peeples there think "eh, perli ke?".

5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

5xmom:

Oh, my. Glad to see that you guys finally catch up. Welcome to the 21st century. *snicker*

5:50 PM  
Blogger cynical-idealist said...

lol, this post is hilarious.

9:10 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

5xmom-Thanks for commenting , hehe good also la spread some of the Word to those who are obviously lost in their dreams to turn this country into a warzone.

anon- We have caught up quite some time back.Its called the Renaissance, go look it up :) .By the way there's plenty of room here in modernity.

Cynical-Glad you like it sis, as always

12:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Complimented by Aunty Lillian no less.

The most civilised and grown-up post on this silly issue. Bro, if you are ever in Brickfields, I'll buy you a drink.

can

1:55 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

Anon- Hehe bro sure thing.My MSN is in my profile :P

But seldom lepak in Padang Batu la.Even if I MUST go to KL, it will probably near Petaling Street to eat beef ball nooodles :P

1:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

niCe PoSt Dude.. i love It :)
*Raj*

3:06 AM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

LoL Bro hehe

6:34 PM  

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