Wednesday, November 15, 2006

And UMNO convenes...again.

Well, as usual we now have the UMNO general assembly going on, interrupting our favourite Argentinian or Thai soap dramas with thickly racial and religious rhetoric.Sometimes we are left gaping at stupid statements that are made by the by-products of NEP (the actual products of the NEP, are too busy working their asses off like the rest of us, because they actually learnt well, work hard and want to make a living la- either that or their dads and moms are not major UMNO members) ...these young upstarts (especially those UMNO 'princesses' and 'princes' would stoop to the lowest form of verbatim, yelling and demanding basically for us to give and give ...and give....and give... Read this interesting post by UMNO's ally, MCA.Anyway, this is also tongue in cheek and done in the name of humour.I am especially respectful to UMNO, basically because they can make me poor, put me under ISA or worse still, make me an UMNO member without me knowing it and expel me from the party.

Just kidding guys, I do enjoy the way this country is being run by BN, and I hope the status quo remains.

That being said, somehow the keris wielding folk, loud mouthed folks who usually dominate the talk are a far cry from the cool braders on the ground.I think its important to look at the matter in perspective- most UMNO guys are actually quite nice fellows.
(My gym instructor is one of the nicest guys in the world, and he's UMNO youth.OK he does make me run like hell but its my own fault for eating to much and developing spare tyres)

But year after year I am left wondering why the ok, cool guys are the ones watching the proceedings from TV or from newspapers, when the loud ultras are the one in TV, yelling the same thing over and over again.Basically, I always joke that life moves in circles and everything has an SoP (standard operations procedure).Seems that UMNO General Assembly does not run away from this la.

Puteri UMNO- Apart from top leadership (groomed to take over Wanita when its leader resigns or retires fine day....hopefully) and, the typical Puteri member consists of three types.
a) Mummy or Daddy is in UMNO, so as any good daughter she joins Puteri UMNO.
b) Her husband and or boyfriend is an UMNO leader, so she gets the post automatically
c) Dynamically recruited from university in obvious ignorence to the Akta Universiti dan Kolej 1971, she actually believes in the cause, which is still quite fuzzy to me.

Puteri UMNO, is after all, a younger, much prettier version of Wanita.And mostly they do not suffer from diabetes and obesity and high blood pressure and , well menopause.
They would go on the sacred 'pulpit' and basically ask for more of everything,while insisting that Malay women are better than Chinese women, at the same time asking for more economic protection, and bashing in the process, effectively every non Malay in the country,every male in the country and not forgetting their makcik counterparts in Wanita UMNO.

Putera UMNO- Again, apart from the top leadership, who is being groomed to again, take over from Pemuda when its leader someday, hopefully, eventually, maybe, possibly resigns or moves up to an opening in UMNO itself . Putera consists of dudes who

a)Has Mum and Dad in UMNO and an elder brother who is a Pemuda division chief, and a sister who holds some 'power' position as well.Typically would be a Dato' family residing perhaps in Taman Tun or something and driving German cars , in total disregard to 'Support your National Car' policy
b) His girl is a Puteri UMNO leader and if he doesn't join, he won't get her.
c) Dynamically recruited from university in obvious ignorence to the Akta Universiti dan Kolej 1971, usually a devout worshipper/follower of Tun Dr M, and draws inspiration from him.
d)Former Mat Rempit that is either reformed or threatened with police brutality unless he joins.
e)A clueless Indian dude who signed some papers thinking he was signing up for a beer discount card.

Pemuda UMNO-Consists of mostly educated people, cultured and high society, but occasionally to win over the minds of the underlings they have to act a bit rough laer, or turn off their brain for a bit.The typical Pemuda member is
a)Political blueblood who can trace his heritage back to Iskandar Dzulkarnain, or Harith Iskandar, or both
b)Former second hand car/keropok/burger/shoe/franchise chain [insert low risk, low return business here] business owner who struck gold and joint the government in gratitude, or in anticipation of more contracts.
c)Class F contractors.Class A are already in main UMNO.

Wanita UMNO - Consists of former beauty queens (stress on former), or 'modern', 'progressive' Malay womenfolk, now seasoned politicians who ,for what they lack in energy with their Puteri counterparts, they make up for with experience, and APs.They consist of


'Nuff Said.

Point to ponder.If a Dato' s wife gets a Datin, what does a Dato's husband get?Basically the SoP goes like this

Individual conventions :

1.Puteri kutuk non Malay,regardless of party, males in general and sindir-menyindir with Wanita.They then pass a resolution to support the present leadership.Wanita also kutuk the same people, and sindir balik Puteri.Then Wanita will pass a resolution supporting the current leadership, and if any resignations are taking place, pass a resolution entitled "Why?Why"

2.Putera will put on slideshows on their progress and how another 3 million youths have joined Putera (if you add the number of members of all Barisan component parties you will get approximately 27 million people, or more than the population of Malaysia).They will then kutuk MCA,MIC and other component parties.Then they will ask the component parties to be patient because 'we have yet to achieve the Malay agenda' and thank them for their understanding.Then they will kutuk them once more.They will then remind everyone to be grateful to Dr M.

3.Pemuda will have martial arts shows while wielding fashionable weapons like keris.After that they will remind non Malays that we are nobody in this country and should stay nobodies, and if possible be even more 'nobodier'. Popular phrases would include "jangan main api" , "jangan persoal hak Melayu", "ketuanan Melayu hak kami" etc etc.Johor UMNO will spend one day banging the government of Singapore, and Penang UMNO will spend one day banging Koh Tsu Koon.They will also pass a resolution to support present leadership and possibly a resolution as tot he right to bear traditional weapons.

4. When they all come togather, there will be lots and lots of doa(prayers) because UMNO doesn't wanna look less Islamic then PAS.The fact that most of its leaders does not wear tudung is a minor one.The President then makes everyone happy by supporting everything they said and all their resolutions.And he also makes the traders happy by taking snapshots with them to be plastered on all national newspapers (usually with something that commemorates him like a portrait made out of sambal, or a piece of batik that looks like him or a Hadhari handphone).And the trader is probably the same trader that sold different stuff at the PAS Muktamar and the keADILan general assembly.Only then, he was selling Islamic reading material and non alcaholic perfume and sporting a skull cap and jubah, and on the other occasion, a blue shirt and a reformasi headband, selling Anwar Ibrahim tapes.But thats only a probability.

Just a joke people.Have a wonderful second half of the week.


Blogger devonic said...

I am cocksure that I am and I can't be a UM*O member....Why am I so sure?

I have never been offered a beer discount card...Damn...
Maybe I should contact the nearest Ah Beng liquor shop...

By the way,nice synopsis man..

Puteri loud mouthing Non-B**i
professing how they can kill a Non-B**i with a look...

Putera loud mouthing Non-B**i
and kill them by showing a slide show...

Pemuda loud mouthing Non-B**i
with a keris standing by god knows to kill who...

Wanita loud mouthing Non-B**i
threatening to mow them down with cars bought with AP's

Rest of them listen to the loud mouths and like a sea lion clapping their flipper shouting Yes...Wipe Them Out...

The Non-B**i party leaders...
Kami tidak pernah dan tidak akan menganggu hak-hak mereka dan NEP adalah untuk kemajuan kami juga...
And don't forget to give me a better Ministry at the next cabinet reshuffle...

And I end with a prayer....

10:32 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

yea so i pray too bro

8:21 AM  

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