Saturday, October 22, 2005

I Don't Understand Chinese Delicacies Part 1

Pic: Everything in the pic is edible.

Disclaimer: I am half Chinese and this post should not be intepreted as inflammatory.It is a comedic look at life.If you cannot stand humor (read:wannabe militia) ,cannot understand jokes or happen to be Amish and refuse to laugh at anything(though just to let you know, comedians globally are cracking jokes at your expense) go join your local anti-clown movement.

I really do not understand it.Every time we go to expensive Chinese restaurants they always seem to serve exotic dishes that never fail to make me go "OMG, you can EAT that?".You name it, they've most probably got it.From the rare tiger's golden balls to the bulu ketiak of the blue rabbit.But you've got to read the fine print. On the menu its just written with gempak names that often rhyme "Fiery Dragon Scratches Itchy Butt,Gas Blew Up Pizza Hut" (Fried Rice with Duck Tongue and Extra Cili Padi) or "Drunken Chicken Trying to Fly,Walk Two Steps and Then Die" (Stir Fried Wild SARS Infected Chicken with Unidentified,Possibly Fatal Plant Roots)

Or sometimes you just wonder- Why the hell would I want to eat that???I mean if you look at it objectively there are some food that we take for granted in wedding dinners or visits to the Chinese sinseh or pick up at Chinese medical halls that really got me rethinking Chinese rare dishes-

Sharks fin

Now imagine this scenario: The poor shark swimming around peacefully in the ocean, looking for Nemo, and just when he found Nemo, a vicious looking fisherman drags him out of the ocean, into a boat , potong the guys flippers(the equaivalent of chopping of our ketiaks) and dumps him back into the ocean.It happens so fast, the shark is confused, and before he knows it, he's back into the ocean minus his ability to swim. And so he looks left and right, bewildered, wondering why the hell he cannot swim! And slowly, he tenggelam ke dasar laut, and just lepaks there until the Angelfish of Death appears and brings him up to Fish Heaven(something like Langkawi Underwater World Aquarium la).Objectively, sharks fin is just like eating chicken wings, only its tasteless, odorless and has nil nutritional value.Wait, thats like paying through your nose and getting nothing in return.Kinda like going to a karaoke and all the GROs speak in deep voices and have leg hair.

Bird's Nest

This one even better.Well, birds nest is essentially made from swallow's(burung layang layang)
nest and is composed of 99% bird spit.Thats right- ludah burung wei.What would you think the poor confused birds are thinking?Susah payah they build the nest, than some Batman wannabe jokers climb up cave walls and take away their homes, kinda like home reposession la I suppose the feeling, when you don't bayar hutang and bank rampas your rumah.Except this time the home is made of spit.Birds probably thinking to itself, "Dahlah rampas rumah aku, nak makan ludah aku pulak?Bodohnya manusia nie"

Plus I heard from a friend of mine that red birds nest has the highest value.Let me get this straight-you dare eat a red substance coming out of a birds mouth/beak?Wei it probably is infected blood/phlegm la wei!!! The bird may have SARS/ bronchitis/chronic lung disease andyou wanna eat the guys spit??Tabik.

p/s: I got a few more things I thought about but time running out for me to take another nap. Graveyard shift again.So to be continued soon.

What do you think of this post?


Anonymous Hidden Sperm Crouching Whale said...

Well what a funny post. Coming from the person who eats "caviar" only which this is an european cuisine!

It's enough already we're being hunted from flesh to bone...but taking our "precious"

Imagine the hummiliation, being caught in the sea, wanked forcefully, slashed and skinned in the way of the samurai.

This is too much for one whale to take.

7:37 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

This MUST be francis.You the only bugger I told the whale sperm story!

Wei after telling u dat u think I got the gall to eat caviar ah wei?????Might as well give a whale a blowjob.

7:58 PM  
Anonymous l0ft said...

oh well, diff culture, different cuisine well makes ppl go "yuck". would u eat liver of sick goose? what about cockroaches and larvae? dolphin and whales are delicacy too at a country, whereby their meat are actually poisonous by nature. buffalo balls, jelly fishes... so so many animals we human makan, and all mentioned above are eaten by non-chinese.

oh well...

10:42 PM  
Anonymous hidden sperm crouching whale said...

Ok well, we're being eaten by da japs predominantly, but i believe strongly most chinese ethnics especially from the old traditional grounds strongly believe eating exotic animals gives them strength, vitality, sexual prowness (natural viagra) and prolly intelligence as well. Hence why u see some feasting on monkey brains as well.

In any case, we can't stop them however given the equivelant brains power, speech and weapons of mass destruction...yes we can overcome humanity..and hunt them down just like in the Age of the Dinosours.

HIDUP PAUS!!! (And i'm not referring the Pope Boney dic*T)

11:43 PM  
Anonymous ai-leen said...

ej, u manage to crack me up. two thumbs up.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

l0ft-Yea, I guess the conclusion we can draw here are all cultures are weird.We should all stick to Maggi Mee

ai-leen- I was born a clown

Paus HSCW-Whale jokes up next.

5:08 PM  
Blogger Butterflyn said...

I just can't stop laughing reading this post... my colleagues must've think that i'm nuts!

very funny la u EJ!

9:24 AM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

butter- thank you...nice to make ppl laugh.Ask ur frens read as well la then u can have a joint ketawa seminit bersama ikan yu session!

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Dragon Fly said...

And i'll put a banner of this blog on the trains and busses as well to promote: "Laughter is sheer idiocy and not the medicine one would think of"

No worries we will all propagate this blog thru a Virus, only it attaches to the monitor wif a message: "Had a eventful day, see whether it beats mine"

3:45 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

My 'Eventful Day's are highly debatable.Most of the events occur in realtime format,due to an error in CosmicKarma.exe.

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Parameswara said...

You may want to change the heading "My Daily Bread" to "My Weekly Wholemeal"

7:46 AM  
Anonymous Parameswara said...

Make that 'My fortnightly sandwich"

9:56 AM  
Anonymous Parameswara said...

Make that "My monthly tuna bread"

7:23 AM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

Hey Dingo, you left your pelanduk stcuk on the tree.

3:56 PM  
Blogger Winn said...

HAHAA. this post is hilarious! i have to control my face muscles trying not to burst out laughing in front of my work station!!

HAHAHA so i decided to let my fingers do the LOLS instead. HAHAHHAAHAHA.....

HAHAH... u are not the only one pretending to work k. hHAHA.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

Winn-Yep, I had a lot of practise from school.Every time the lecturer/teacher would walk behind to inspect my work I perfected the "I'm-Trying-My-Best-But-Stuck-So-Bugger-Off" look.

4:12 PM  

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