Sunday, July 31, 2005

My problem with Pondans etc

No I am not a overzealous self righteous ass of an Bible Thumper trying to destroy the evils of the world.I just seem to have a long standing problem with Pondans or Bapuks or whatever the hell they call themselves.Or rather it seems they seem to have a big problem with me.It is my personal belief that pondans throughout the country has this vendetta against I dunno, maybe Amber Chia or Angelina Jolie and they seem to want to take it out on people like me.Or maybe its just me.You judge.

Penang-I get harassed by a damn strong shemale as I leave a popular nightspot.Don't be fooled by their fake boobs, this bloody fools are strong like gorilla man.7 years of taekwondo is rendered useless actually.And why the fake female cannot take no I dunno.Thank God I escaped without anything lost, except my faith in humanity and a broken ego.However this I must relate to you.Someone who I shall not mention....tried to console me(I suffer from a bad case of OCD you see...and I was convinced that I had contracted some weird STD and my body immune system was the worst in the world and that I was going to die in 2 weeks)

Consoler Who shall not Be Named: Don't worry...cannot spread so easy.By the way, some time back, something similar to this happened.A guy got hit by a car, and his blood mingled with some dude with AIDS by accident.Some time later he suddenly died, then only they knew he had AIDS.

Now I may not have a degree in Freudian Science....but isn't this the exact thing you DON'T wanna tell a dude who has OCD and needs to be told he's gonna be all right!
So anyway,just to be sure I meet this doctor who after laughing his ass off, went something like this

Unethical Son of a Bitch Doctor Trying to Do Stand Up:So you studied Maths in Form 4 rite?
Depressed OCD Sufferer convinced he's gonna die: (Dalam hati:No you ass, I just bribed my way through SPM and proceeded to complete a degree)Err yes.
USOB:See, first the 'thing' needs to have an AIDS,and 'it' needs to have an open wound in the arm area where it grabbed you.And you need to have an open wound where it touched you, and blood would have needed to go in with a substantial amount before it can take any effect.
Less Depressed OCD Sufferer who knew that but needed Professional Opinion: my chances to die is damn slim la?
USOB:Yes, in fact I can say 99.99% is nothing wrong with you.

Near my House- I stop to buy wantan mee at night , and lo and behold dari belakang kereta(these beings seem to like coming from the back) seekor muncul and started knocking my driver seat window.So....after Episode One: The Bapuk Menace, and all the bad memories, I ignited and sped off, in what little speed that can be offered by a malaysian car.Donating 3.00 to the wantan mee auntie.

In a chatroom- Even in cyberspace I am not spared!In mIRC- this 'chick' PMed me and started talking normal ini la itu la....then at last under the guise of asking for my number in case she needed help with a college project(at this point in my mind I am still under the assumption it is a she.)
Later that night, I get a call.With a fucking eerie voice like a male trying to sound female.Try to imagine Louis Armstrong trying to sound like Charlotte Church.Needless to say of course...."I was not me, and she got the wrong number".

I'm gonna stare at a picture of Jessica Alba for a few days to cure the bad taste out of my mouth.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Is DAP becoming stupid?

Let me begin by saying I am a big fan of the late Patto,V David,and still to a large extent think Karpal and Kit Siang are great people who has given up the best years of their life fighting for great causes, but has DAP turned stupid lately?

Attempt after attempt to score pathetic political mileage points.Hello, this is not Bonuslink brother.
What have they done recently?

-Pissed off Myanmar by sticking their noses into ASEAN.Trying to replace Amnesty and Transparency?
-Fighting for local students in Ukraine?Look me in the face and tell me you are willing to go under the knife with a STPM dropout.
-Now really like a pelanduk standing in the middle of two gajah lama-Rafidah and Tun Dr M.What are you trying to prove?

I am a firm believer that everything in life has a pattern(similar to the Buddhist concept of cycles)There is this clear repetitive boring pattern to what DAP is doing much so its getting old.

Guan Eng- Appear on TV and bring back memories to the Rahim Thamby Chik story,ISA, and how much he has sacrificed for the youth of Malaysia. until the moderator will have to tell him to shut up.

Kit Siang- Will ask Parliamentary Select Committees for everything he can ask it for.I would not be surprised if he asks for a PSC for Toilet Cleanliness some day.Oh yes, PSCs and one mpre favourite of his...Royal Commisions.Royal Commision for Police la, Royal Commision for Anwar's black eye la.Adui...And if i recall correctly Kit Siang was the one tabling motions to cut this minister and that minister's salary by RM 1, Rm 2

Karpal- Angkat tangan sumpah la, diri tegak la....what is the deal la?Custodian for Parliamentary Behaviour?

Ronnie Liu- The Human Echo.Has graduated into becoming a jurutrengkas(a guy who takes shorthand) and then produces a parrot reintepretation of what Kit Siang and Guan Eng said earlier in the press.

Why can't be more like Chong Eng, or Kulasegaran or Fong Po Kuan?Be a Wakil Rakyat rather than a person who does postmortems on Bernama news items la!Stop opposing for sake of making noise.Opinions anyone?

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Being a Halfbreed Pt 2

I must be the only blogger in Malaysia not to write about the NEP and the AP issue.But hey, having the ISA people beat the bejeezus out of me in a dank cell with nasty giant sewer rats nibbling on my toes is hardly my idea of a 'political house arrest'.I'd rather perpetually bitch about how unfair life is to me.Me and me alone.And since I am a halfbreed, no one can claim I am making it a racial issue right?Halfbreeds in Malaysia can be the luckiest and the unluckiest bunch of people ever.There's the very few reasons why you are lucky

-You get to chat up with people of multiple races because no one really knows where the hell you came from.
-The makcik nasi lemak tends to think you're a Malay guy so you almost certainly get nasi tambah for free.

[[Pic: What the Pak Haji looked like in my mind : A food terrorist.]]
-You blend in well and don't stick out like a sore thumb in most places except maybe for the Tai Thongs and Four Seasons of the world.

But this brown overcoat called skin gives you a real painful jab in the ass especially during Ramadan.My experiences in Ramadan....

I was working temporarily at this factory assembling industrial aircon units.The first few minutes were really ok...coz the workers were all chummy with me, thinking I was, well,Malay.When they read out my name from the list however, I got thrown into a new job(I was happily shaping boxes) pushing a trolley with 4 or 5 air con units all day long(I swear after this two months job my arms swelled). Then while my supervisors lepaked in the surau, yours truly and a few more were covering more than one operation line.That time I had enrolled in my degree course and I remember telling myself .. "You bitches....just wait till I came back here and fire all your sorry asses".

Anyway, the real kicker in this story is the lunch break...after getting kicked around for the whole bloody morning, I dragged my tired feet to the canteen and lo and behold a Pak Haji apparently from the Islamic Affairs Unit(NOTE: BEAR IN MIND THIS IS A JAPANESE FACTORY.)

Pak Haji: Adik,bulan puasa...tak baik pecah...
Me: Um, Pakcik, saya bukan Melayu pakcik.
Pak Haji: Adik,bulan puasa tak baik berbohong, dosa lagi besar.
Me: Pakcik,saya betul bukan Melayu(searching for my IC only to discover I left it in the security guard pondok togather with my fellow worker drones, meanwhile this guy is beginning to seriously irritate me)
Pak Haji: Adik, bertaubat adik, kita orang Islam.....
Me: Hah, cakap pakcik tak nak dengar , sekarang adik nak pergi makan, kalau pakcik nak tangkap tangkap la nama saya Emmanuel saya kafir.Nanti kena apa apa pakcik tanggung yer.

And off yours truly marched and ate to the amazement of confused and bewildered staff.Later, in retrospect that may not have been the wisest thing lest I be stoned like an apostate.

So friends, whoever is a halfbreed like me, and if you're a Christian do what I do.Wear a huge, obscenely visible cross/crucifix (like the one hip hop artises hang around their neck, togather with manhole covers on chains)And when the good people from JAIS/Jakim (who are really only trying to do their job) Make it easier by flashing your Kafir identity!In the words of my friend Seelan..."I am pagan and I'm proud!"

Friday, July 22, 2005

What Educational Institution Ads Actually Mean

I was going to post my thoughts on Indians in Malaysia, but decided against it as I felt I did not have enough thoughts.But I recall reading a few days back about the whole fiasco at MMU over this guy getting all uptight over something and what not, but that was when I realized that like all other advertisments, tertiary school ads, colleges and private universities really have hidden meanings.... And
here are a sampling of the terms used with its non-PR translations.

"Twinning program with the top universities in UK,Australia and the US"- We have an overly bribed partner in some unknown university that has a local enrolment of under ten students.

"Global campuses"- We have some small shoplots in some third world countries that doubles as a UN food distribution center.

"International,multiracial environment"- We have some rich people coming in from poor countries ....mostly from Africa.

"High-tec facilities"- We have a few machines that is better than Pentium 1.Mostly for the lecturers.

"Experienced academic staff"-Former secondary school teachers who took an additional degree.

"Large campus"-We own a smiliar sized building,but we have many small rooms and an auditorium.

"Quality degree"- Don't worry, you can still buy this degree but you need to pay a little extra.

"Affordable courses"-We might send lecturers into your class

"Quality courses"-We charge you extra to ensure a higher possibility of a lecturer entering your class.

"Qualified lecturers"- Our lecturers can speak some English.

"Loans easily available"- We have the contact numbers for a few bank/PTPTN people that might consider sending you here and there for a few months before they tell you you're too rich to take a loan.

"100% employment"- We have an agreement with a few call centers so you can work as a phone operator upon completion of your Mechatronics degree with a major in Robotics.

"Records show our graduates work in Blue Chip companies..." - As janitors,secretaries and human routers(refer to 100% employment)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Being a Halfbreed Pt 1

If you know me,read my blog,heard of me or frequent one of the Three Mamaks of Klang, you would probably know/guess I am a halfbreed.A new and improved one too. (boast)how many halfbreeds actually read this many books(/boast)For those of you who are not familiar with the many derogatary words of the word, a halfbreed is this context is not another name for a Muggleborn Magician.Its for u know la....the kacukan cases in Malaysia.The cina cham india the melayu cham gwailo the bhai cham apple.So anyway I thought I'd share some of the better and no so better things that happened to me in my 21 years of walking this Earth as one of God's more colourful characters.

Incident One
I was being pushed around, literally in a packed bus heading home when this group of Chinese school secondary school adults(i wouldn't say they were kids, they looked like 30 year olds in school uniform)entered the bus like the thugs that they probably were.So a particulatly fat, oily one walks up and his tits are all over me coz he's like 4 times my size, and I wasn't exactly Mr Trim.And his sweaty body parts were all over so I probably got infected with a few hundred bacteria with one breast stroke.But still I was quite polite(as polite as you do get in a hot bus, ignore each other till it comes to your stop)Then came the Comment.

Cooking Oil Factory:(as he was doing his graceful tit stroke to get into the bus; in obvious reference to yours truly.)Haiya, hami lang kiew lu jiak ka ne puey("Who asked you to eat until you grew so fat?")
Polite Halfbreed:Kanine tu bo jiak lu eh lau peh eh peng("Fu* k you,your dad is not feeding me")
Cooking Oil Factory looks blankly at Pimple Boy,Fatboy 2 and Zit machine and shuts the hell up for the rest of the journey.

Incident two

Buying porridge at night for my mum,I chose not to speak dialect with this particular stallholder coz I didn't go there often and I just wanted to avoid the usual kampung talk i.e. the haahing and hoohing with puzzled looks as their ancient brains try to reconcile a brown face with a yellow language.Then they break into a flurry of questions asking you which one of your parents are yellow and so on and so forth.So to avoid all that I just ordered in Malay.

Porridge seller 1:mo ham tan cho....kiu (some name) mai.(no more salted egg get someone to get some.)
Porridge seller 2:haiya, tang la, kou kou malay yan sek ham tan meh?(wait, btw are you sure the Malay guy eats salted eggs?)
Porridge seller 1: hai wor....tan hai ngo yap yuk ...tim lei(I put in pork,how?)
Porridge seller 2:mo yea la, tong hoi kong yat seng hai kai...hui tei em chee la(just tell him its chicken 'they' will not know)

So as I was taking the package I played along "auntie this one what white white meat inside here" and she went "Itu ayam sikit la"

Then I just had to "Auntie, lei cho sang yee mo ngak yan, em em hai malay yan,tan hai suen ngo hai malay yan, ngo hui JAKIM, lei tim kai sek pei khuey tei theng?Em tan si cap lap, tu yau cho kam tim"(Auntie, don;t cheat ppl like this, I'm not MAlay, if I am,what will happen if I go to JAKIM, not only your business will bankrupt, maybe have to go jail also")

Silence and awe.

Its 9.02 am and I have not slept yet.Going to continue this post when I wake up probably.

Completed Generals

Finally done with Generals(I completed every map against Brutal Enemies) and had my biggest winning streak ever.Notice all the iluminated honor badges-especially the one with the tooltip-Endurance.I'm uninstalling it now hence I shall stop bitching about Generals.I have an old AOE 2 CD, so if I don't get my call in this two days....its building empires and taking on Seljuk!.

Monday, July 18, 2005

If God Were a Malaysian Blogger Pt 2

The next installment of this x-parter

If God were an Malaysian Evengelical Christian blogger

Post: I woke up this morning, praise be unto Myself.I thank myself for the air that I breathe, Amen Amen. Went to my workplace this morning and finally Arumugam came up to me and this is what I heard through the ears the Lord has granted me.

Arumugam: Brother, I have seen the truth ...mumble mumble...
Me: Praise the Lord Arumugam, let us pray(head autonods) Oh Jesus, praise you, that our brother Arumugam has seen your Light, your amazing Light O Lord, Your name we bless.Amen

If God were a Malaysian Catholic Blogger

Post: Went to a prayer meeting yesterday where Fr Jack led the prayers and everyone prayed to everybody and everything but Me.Next we went on to discuss the "Jesus Goes to Paris" book but we have just recieved a fax that book has been banned by Vatican and so we proceeded with our usual Dan Brown and JK Rowling bashing session.50 people from our prayer meeting converted out mostly to marry their girlfriends while some joined Jehovah's Witnesses coz they seriously believe that Jesus is an angel flying around, and visited earth many times but no one saw him;And that we should not wear WWF T-shirts coz they depict evil,vile bamboo munching pandas.....but our ranks were bolstered by some conversions and some new babies from South America and some happy singing Filipino migrants.The government is trying to shut down yet another of our already overpopulated churches.I shall put a pox on the joker running

If God were a Malaysian Bangladeshi blogger

Post: Ini hari isi petrol jugak, macam semalam, besok pun sama.Banyak sial boring, itu Cina towkay dua bulan gaji sudah tada bayar.Besok saya kasi tukar dia jadi kangkung ka,monyet ka dia baru tau, sotong punya orang.

Well, thats all I got so far.What would turn this into a really Divine day is that HR calls me.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

If God Were a Malaysian Blogger Part 1

Imagine if the all-powerful, all merciful God being a blogger.Better still, imagine Him a Malaysian.Now combine the two and you have Infinity plus Kenny Sia.What would his blog look like?

If God were a Malaysian Chinese

Post: Haih, look everywhere for my stupid Kenny G CD cannot find, si beh sien.I got so the very the fed up I kicked the Holy Crap out of my holy cow.And I sent two hurricanes around the world and took a bet with Gabriel on which country it will land la.Smacked Cuba right in the face...sueh onli.I kind of liked that fella Castrol anyway.
The other one is still circling the globe waiting to hit.Everyone praying to me, I hear also luan.This fella say say "don hit me don hit me".That fella say "hit the other guy hit the other guy".Hear also confuse edi.Haih........

If God were a Malaysian Indian

Post: I wonder why I created houseflies.They're a huge nuisance, all everyone hate me for it.Off to campus now......back later to chill with the machas and dear kainges!Teed off with my man Gabriel and he forced me to gamble deiiiiii.So mike, I sent forth my mighty storm in Cuba's face coz I hate that dictating Tupac wannabe.Still studying the geological impact of hitting another country.Then we shall all turun for some nice maggi mee goreng!

To be continued...

Friday, July 15, 2005

The Bamboo Thieves

Warning: Rant Post ahead.

I woke up this morning to a hysterical mother screaming that someone stole something from our porch.After a happy snooze thats not really something you want to wake up to.Plus it was raining so.... . Anyway,a few rolls later, I walk out to see what the big hoo haa was about.Turns out some slick(and stupid) thief had stolen some bamboo shoots.Now I may be a little out of touch in the black market side of things but if memory serves splinters fetch very little.Why the hell would you want to steal it?I have come up with a few possible explanations

1.Giant pandas has invaded Klang and are hungry.They saw some sweet shoots and used precision blades to slice them off.
2.The thieves got confused between 'rebung' and decorative bamboo.
3.The thieves wanted to weave baskets.
4.The thieves suffered from kleptomania.
5.The thieves were stupid.

Pic:My dad freaking out.

Now I believe in argument 5 strongly.Coz they left my Alain Deloins, my Reebok trainers and heaps of metal(dismantled car suspension system) untouched.

Or they could just be Bamboo Hunters or mini garden vandals.I just don't understand why all this funny things seems to happen to me..

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Now on PPS.

For the very few of you interested in an underpaid,overworked lifestyle of a Klang Clown,I am now on PPS(Project Petaling Street) as well. Blog numero Uno: The Kilometrico Nightmare. Results: Pretty OK la.30 odd hits in half an hour.

Nightmare with a pen.

Pic: Not quite the pen nightmare I had, but equally sickening.

I believe Malaysian doctors are generally a great bunch of people, but a few idiots in the healthcare system spoil everything.Let me share my brilliant experience at a not-to-be-named government medical center that I had to go to as a kid(for the record I usually go
'to some private clinic or hospital, and this preference has been reinforced by my experience that I'm going to relate now).However I am also sure many Malaysian doctors in the public healthcare service are much better than this case.

I still remember it being a Tuesday and I had a terrible, terrible cough that was bordering spikes poking out my throat.The kind people at the center were on break for lunch so I waited..and waited..and waited some more.When it finally came to my turn, I got asked if I were a foreigner, and if I were I needed to pay an extra dollar(this was back in the time before they introduced the 'bakul' system.I told the lady I was not a foreigner(do I even look Bangladeshi/Indon/Nepalese?) and that I had a bad cough.She filled out my card, writing me down as Emmanul Joseph, despite the fact she had my IC in front of her fat lined eyes. And So after about half an hour she saunters to HA's room and I get called in, as I was the first to get the number.Now there was this doctor there who reminded me a female nomad in the desert.I remember having thoughts about Arab Malaysian Banking and its camel logo all of a sudden.So anyway, being one who doesn't believe in first impressions, I told her my problem and when she wore her stethescope I instinctively lifted my T-shirt around my chest(as I so normally do with the clinics, right?)And she freaked out.

Al-Qaeda Doctor: Tak payah tak payah!
Confused First Former:Um..sorry cik.
Al-Qaeda Doctor:Tak apa dik, lain kali tak payah

And proceeded to use like the tips of two fingers to hold one end to hear my heartbeat.Then she asked me if I had any phlegm.I replied negatively and told her I had a terrible pain in my throat

Confused First Former:Sakit tekak teruk, minum air pun sakit.
Al-Qaeda Doctor:Em.

She proceeds to take a Kilometrico pen.I thought she was about to write a prescription, but she beckoned me near and started poking my neck.Why the bloody hell would you want to poke my neck?(A few doctors and med student friends of mine later confirmed my suspicion that there is very little medical value to neck-poking-with-a-Kilometrico)

Confused First Former:(Poky pain)
Al-Qaeda Doctor:Sini sakit, sakit?sakit?
Confused First Former:(dalam hati: memang la sakit bodoh tu pen la....) Ah ...ah...sakit sakit
Al-Qaeda Doctor:OK.

Just that."OK".No verbal explanation of my medication, no assurance that I was not going to fall down and die because of Kilometrico syndrome or anything."OK".The medication:Cough mixture, one course of antibiotics and lozenges.And she diagnosed me, prescribed medicine and everything in under 5 minutes.With a two-finger-stethescope and a magical Kilometrico pen.

"Q for Quality" my pen-poked ass.

Over Kill

Boy did i OD Generals today.Courtesy of 50 + hackers by the end of the game I defeated 4 brutal with help of a Hard ally,and I had so much cash, three nukes, 5 airbases and I artilleried,nuked and EMPed the last building.Talk about overkill. i was Green BTW.Notice how you couldn't see anyone else.They're all dead.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Found this somewhere

Myth #1: You're smart.Let me tell you up front, apart from being slightly more well read than you malnourished counterparts from Ethiopia or some other country where all kids have to read are discarded 'Peter and Jane' books, you (well your writing reflects at least) you're pretty much dumb.Only someone with a brain of a cow will litter her pictures all over the Net in compromising poses, and hope no one at home sees it.

Myth #2:You're hot.You poor, confused creature.You have the looks to match your brain(refer cow comment above).If beauty is indeed the curse of the world, then you should be thankful as you are abundantly, overwhelmingly, overflowingly(I cannot emphasize this more) blessed.

Myth #3:You're a good writer.This has got to be the joke of the century.Many people(like myself) were only drawn here by the whole fiasco of your boobs, nothing more.Your writing has no character, your style is highly inconsistent and to top it off,you publicly, shamelessly display your amazingly shallow perception of the world and disgust for almost all things Singaporean.What did you expect to get my dear?A ribbon?Face it, most people don't come in here to read Voltaire or Descartes or even that Dan Brown dude.

Myth #4:Singaporean men cannot satisfy you.Wait, this is not a myth, just an irony.As an Asian, I feel more turned on by transexuals from Thailand than you.Beauty is in the eye of the beholder?I cannot agree more that whoever beholds you must be desperate indeed.

Myth #5:White men have deeper pockets.Yeap, I guess that's why they have trailer parks, food stamps and social security....because they are all affluent people.But straight white men do indeed have peculiar taste.Thats proven by Queer Eye and oh what was the second thing....Oh wait, yes.You.

Myth #5:You're self expressing as opposed to doing porn.You're doing tasteful self-expression.Har Har.Suicidegirls is a porn site.You're a wannabe B grade porn star.Period.People wank at your photos.That makes you a porn star, and whoever wanks at YOU, very sick indeed.

Myth #6:"You are not seeking the attention..."LMAO.Of course you are.You're just either in denial or its part of your scheme for more attention.You were probably this little unpopular girl at school(gee, I wonder why?)who had so much sexual tension you found it needful to prostitute yourself to street buskers and drunks , so long as they're Western.

Myth #7:You have a good body.LOL.No you don't.You're fat and your boobs have a funny shape.No wonder Singaporean men cannot satisfy you, they're too busy supressing laughter!


This woman is evil.Incarnate.Cool.

Instant 3 second Pimples

I just watched a pimple emerge right in front of my bloody eyes.I wish I could post pictures on it, though it definitely would be a turn off and an amazingly effective diet tool, but hey who cares.

Amazing, phenomenal day in KL where I finally visited the place my cow of a sister worked once upon a time( before she was sent into exile into the wilderness of Wisconsin, land of cows, ironic and deeply karmaic) Wisma Genting.Pity we got booted out though.I guess we just looked like beggars.

Also pretty sad I learned that Francis, a dear old friend suffers from Multiple Personalities and that he is responsible for at least half the pyschotic killings going on in the world today.

Of all the people in Gods good earth met Kuhanesh in Low Yat.He went to get his mouse fixed.(Almost sounds like he drugged a confused pet).Got glances as we, three Karuppens, Andre, Seelan and I had makan in an almost all yellow place.Got ticked off for tipping AND giving money to a beggar.Bloody Kanjan friends.Anyway its me signing off now.Peace.

To do list: sort out mixup

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Ah.....this blog has photo
So when I draw my first profit and salary and finally purchase the loong overdue digital camera I can snap happily away at more pics of David making out with Francis :P