Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Of Cats and Dogs...and Why I'd be Happier as Either

My girlfriend took a picture of this cat, and asked me if there's anything interesting to blog about it.Well, apart from the fact that this cat reminds me of Garfield with its ultra lepak mannerism, nothing much I can blog about this particular cat la.I wonder why the ancient Egyptians bothered worshipping cats la.Smelly, furball spitting, hissing clawy creatures.But then again, the ancient Egyptians also worshipped dogs.And owls.And well, you get the idea.Anyway this cat proves that we are so sueh to be born humans.Work, taxes, relationships.A cat eats leftover food we stupid humans work so hard for, and seem to enjoy it more than we do.Taxes?Cats take whatever they want and mark their territory just by pissing on an area.No housing installments, no interest rates.I wish I could go piss on an area and claim it for my own.Cats are oblivious to the fact they are living among giants(i.e., us), denoting they are much more pyschologically stable than us.If you were living next to creatures as tall as a 20 foot building, would you be licking your fur?That's why I would be happier as a cat.

Was leaving for work yesterday morning and this cat and dog caught my attention.The day before I saw this same cat and dog 'chillaxin' outside my house, and started fighting.the huge ass dog seems to be quite useless while the pugilistic kungfu cat was basically kicking the mogrel's ass.Then in the evening I saw this two chilling together like in the pic.This morning, I saw the same two animals together again, only this time, the dog was trying to hump the cat!I was like wtf? I've heard of interracial la, but interspecies??Something new, definitely.See, thats another privillage of being an animal.Nobody would call you an animal if you had carnal urges.Here in Bolehland, all you need to do is say you're gay and inside the 4x4 you go.
I think cats and dogs are wise, powerful creatures.Like Jedi.I think they're Force attuned and cats are Dark side wielders and Dogs are Light side wielders.Damn I wanna be a dog or cat.Sure beats being a Malaysian.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Rebranding Exercises by Barisan Hasbeen

Once upon a time in the not too distant past, a political party got nuked in the elections.Hence, all the component parties decided to rebrand itself.Openness became the new buzzword and fallen politicians that weeks before were seen massaging their liege lord's feet were noted spitting on their faces.

This alliance of sorts stressed that Malaysia was so racist, so ethnocentric that only people belonging to your own race cared for you.Their raison d'etre was the concept of Malaysians being truly united is but a myth.The fact is, we are an uneasy grouping of races, and not supporting your respective racial party means to forsake your rights and shrivel, and die.And your offspring will be sent off to coal mines to work as slaves for the other races, as they are still in power, because they, being good members of their race, supported their racial party.

And so it came to pass that there was this extremely racist Chinese party that only accepted Chinese into its fold.Apart from the stray Indian or wandering Malay that stumbles upon their service center, it mostly helps Chinese.It was not doing such a wonderful job either, as the Chinese perceived this party to be weak and subservient to the needs of its bigger boss, another equally racial party.So the Chinese abandoned ship, and the Indians and a big chunk of the Malays.And so, now, the political landscape changed and so with waning support and a shrinking bank account, these parties need to do something quick before they disappear from the Malaysian history books, just like Chin Peng, ice ball ball and duit pokok pisang.

Malaysians watched, amused as police reports flew up and down, resignations were tendered, retracted, then tendered again, documents shredded, accounts magically vanish and politicians so prominent before seemed to fall off the face of the earth.Malaysians watched in awe when things became revealed that indeed,the level of corruption and flounted extravagance was but a tip of very very very big iceberg.An iceberg so big, if broken down, could chill the drinks of all clubbing Malaysians for a few months.And Malaysians watched as the extravagance continued with ceremony after ceremony and rally after rally was held for this so called rebranding, with NGOs strongly supporting this.And Malaysians wondered where the money came from.NGOs whose presidents, deputies and entire boards comprised of the former has-been parties' members and their wives, and their kids.If you were to add all members of this political party up, together with their allies, I am certain the number wil exceed the population of Malaysia a few times over.

And basically, it appeared as though the rebranding was what Malaysians thought it to be.A mere PR exercise.Pouring old wine into new wineskins, or in this case, lousy old wine into new wineskins.If we were to use the liquor anology, we could say they were pouring spoilt coconut toddy into new Blue Label bottles.

And Malaysia ponders at the stupidity of these parties and wonder how much more amusement we could possibly derive from their lack of intelligence.Cemerlang, Gemilang, Terbilang indeed!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Douglas' farewell Part 2

The Lord hates Chindians, too.
Spot the gay Northern Indian contest.
No , we cannot make babies this way.
A sad attempt to prove I am NOT gay.
And we try to kill off the source of the gayness once and for all.

Douglas' Farewell at Waikiki

Note to self: Oh GOD its been ages since I posted any photos on my blog.Iamturningintoatextbasedlongwindedfuckingassholewhotypestoomuchwhennotmanypeoplewannalistenorreaditanyway

Anyway..Douglas and Mrinal's farewell at Waikiki turned out to be a journey of self discovery for me...

Our Indian import,Mrinal, shares his gentle side with Chow.Eng Hoe practises how to press Mrinal's nipples.

Chow grabs something.People retaliate.
Its a free for all.An innocent bystander,Michelle is caught up in this err,male mating ritual.
Chow and I share a moment where I attempt to carry a tune but fail miserably.
A white pastor, Douglas Brown from the OSD Church preaches to the crowd on the effects of sodomy and how God hates people who takes it from the back.

Friday, May 16, 2008

A Tale of Two Teachers

Today on the way to work was listening to FlyFM, and had a good laugh when Phat Fabes and Ben had a caller who wanted to tell his teacher something, and when they put the teacher through, basically this caller went , "Teacher, you have hot legs".I nearly died from laughing!I mean because running through my mind was this two teachers I had in primary school and secondary school which were polar opposites to each other.

My Standard One teacher, Cikgu Thalmiah was like an angel teacher.There was a time, unbelievably where I was thin.I was also bloody short.If you think I am short now, me at Standard One, I was basically a skinny midget.I probably looked like a cross between Gimli and Gollum.And I had an evil older sister, 11 years older than me who at that time was a giant( I think over the years our roles reversed, as you know, you become what you hate rite).Anyway due to the constant mental durress I faced as a child from my evil sister who would have fed me scorpions if she could,I was ridiculously timid.Firecrackers, Lion dances and Santa Claus were a few of the things that terrified me as a kid.So understandably I was also terrified of school.School then reminded me jail.Everyone was herded around by angry sexually deprived teachers (read: wardens), the food was served in small bacteria infected portions and the gates were locked except during visiting hours (read recess). Being terrified of school,my teacher noticed me missing one day and actually walked to my house after school and enquired about me.I mean how cool is that right?And so every year after primary school I would drop into my old school, just to wish her. Until she retired.

And then there was this secondary school teacher of mine, lets call her Mrs X. Mrs X was the embodiment of evil, even worse than my older sister.If my older sister was a rogue demon, this one was Satan Himself.She was so ugly, she made Jabba the Hutt look sexy.Her face was as lumpy as a toad's ass with warts and all and you could literally see a LAYER of 'blusher' which looked more like the applied Duluz Weathershield on her face with a paint roller.She had a 'daily theme'. If she wore red, her lipstick and eye shadow would be red.If she wore pink it would be pink.And if she wore lime green....well you imagine a dark skinned, large, hairy, pimply woman with a lime green tight jacket and lime green eyeshadow and lipstick smeared on top of a pale white oily 'foundation' and I would have successfully described Mrs 'X' to you.

And there was this day where this teacher gets PMS(or in retrospect, given her age, I believe it could have been menopause) and starts harrasing the Indians in class(apparently she's Ceylonese).I don't get it.The other Ceylonese girls I know are all hotties.I think, this woman would have lived at the border of India and Sri Lanka, and neither country wanted her.She probably got deported from her home country to Malaysia on grounds of fugliness.

She starts calling the Indians losers and all the crap you can think off, drunkards, wife beaters etc,etc.I wish there was a HINDRAF then.I would have sent them loose on her, and see what happens.Eventually I could not take it anymore and shouted "This is Malaysia!" or something like that form behind the class.Then we lodged a complaint and while waiting for the hearing by officers from the Jabatan Pendidikan, this other male teacher comes up and greets me.I end up banging Mrs X and complaining - asking why these Ceylonese hate us so much yada yada, and he ended up being Ceylonese.Smart me right?Anyway the teacher ended up in a rural Chinese school.So Cikgu, good luck finding Indians to harass there.

So yeah, thats my tale of my two teachers.One taught me patience, and in a weird way, the other one taught me to stand up for what isn't right.So maybe I have her to thank for joining a political party and being involved in NGOs.

So to Cikgu Thalmiah, Selamat Hari Cikgu.And to Mrs X, Happy Teacher's Day,Bitch.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Some Ideas for Malaysian Anime

Being the typical copycats that we are, Malaysians are a, well unoriginal people.We have copycat cars, copycat buildings, even copycat gameshows.I have before this blogged about copycat movies and copycat drama so this time why not copycat Anime rite?

Nah, Buto!

-In a small village in Kampar, there was a hantu musang who always raped unsuspecting villagers and sodomized male glue sniffers that squat outside the penghulus house.It is said that besides molesting simpletons, the ghost had a much more sinister plan.Though how exactly a ghost is able to conjure such plans is beyond mortal minds.Anyway the day comes where this hantu musang tries to sodok the village headmans son.The village headman, a master in 'silat ghaib' which is a form of ninja art taught to him by the Japanese soldiers during the Occupation, however, used a powerful 'jutsu' and shoved the musang into the body of an unborn child (as the host needs to be a virgin, and people in this village were so horny, they were fathers at 10) through the baby's ass.

So this kid grew up wondering why he had a tail and whiskers, but the kids thought he was suffering from a weird disease.He also wondered why they called him Buntut Musang, and having an ultra hairy butt and two fangs did not exactly prove to be the chick magnet factor he so badly needed at his age.

Anyway, this kid also grew up to learn silat ghaib (a real watered down version of Jutsu) and tried to control his ass-powers (Kentut Ajaib etc).He then faces off with the evil Raja Ular.His friend ,Sesakit has a special eye condition known as Sepetan.Using his Spet eyes, he can confuse people.The strength of the Sepet powers are determined by the distance the pupil is from its orginal position.In its most powerful form, the pupil disappears completely, and the Sepet is then called Membuta.

Later they discover the Musang has got nine dicks.When the Musang gets angrier, one more dick would be stand up.When all nine are erect, something phenomenal happens.Exactly what happens is still a mystery.

I wanted to continue but this is becoming stupid.Off to my next post :P

Friday, May 09, 2008

Pet Peeves at the Office

You know how a peeve gets to you accumulatively?The feeling is elusive.I mean its there, but its not really there.In the end, the result is , it accumulates into this ultra huge irritation that consideration for suicide becomes warranted.Being gainfully; or rather painfully employed (read : office drone) , I have a few of my own la.

Cafeteria- Honestly,they should just downgrade it to like prison canteen status or somethings.Simple breakdown of their cooking style- Green vege becomes white paste, red meat becomes black charcoaled hardened object, white rice becomes brown pebbles and curries/dishes become little more than lightly flavoured water with pieces of meat and vege(refer earlier description) floating in it.And the cancer-inducing coloured water they pass off as soft drinks add insult to the injury la.

Toilet-Are extremely clean but the cleaners are a bit too hardworking.I work in the least inhabitated floor in the least inhabitated building companywide- 8 people stationed and around 5 people actually around at any time in the entire floor.And still we get toilet traffic jams!! We have 2 toilets with 6 cubicles each, meaning, 12 cubicles for eight people.So logically, even if ALL of us had to piss at the same time, we would be alright right?NO...coz the cleaner likes to lock the damn toilet up and God knows what she does in there for 1 hour per go, THREE times a DAY!!

So basically the beautiful toilet is rendered useless for almost half of its 'operational hours'.At the rate this is going, I am going to have kidney stones in no time.

Pantry-Comes equipped with those nescafe machines that automakes making teh tarik, Milo, Capuccino , white coffee and like 10 more drinks.The problem is no one fills all the containers up, so most of the time my Milo comes out a pale white.Worse is then they mix up the drinks and my Milo tastes like tea, and my Teh tarik is being made using green tea!I am now convinced that such machines should only be used for ornamental purposes or for Feng Shui reasons.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

In Defense of RPK..Our Hero!

I remember the first time I saw RPK, about six months ago.My good friends Shen , Shin ,Francis and I were supposed to get Shen drunk and go clubbing.Shen was then supposedly an alcohol virgin.Yea, he was a debate champion and all, but stilla n alcohol virgin.So while in the car, I joke about calling Ronnie Liu as we had met him just a week ago, and he had mentioned to call him when we were in town.So Shen actually did, and soon we met and spent a really good evening.RPK thought I was Malay and kept asking if I was UMNO.Fast forward a few months later while we were following Ronnie around, Raja was ever ready to support the Pakatan MPs giving talks in Klang on at least 6 occasions, talking in Brickfields for Nurul Izzah, Puchong for Gobind and everywhere his powerful voice was needed.I still remember in Pandamaran, the kickoff point for our P115 campaign, the local Chinese even bowed down (mostly coz they were unsure of protocol) when they heard he was royalty.After the elections, RPK was constantly around giving good advice to the Pakatan people on good governance and warning them if they were to veer from the path, he would clamp down on them just as he had with BN.His favourite jest line seemed to be "I support to be Opposition, so when you are the Government, I can no longer support you.."
RPK rocks.And this time its not going to be so easy for Barisan to dog him around with what is obviously a misuse of power.If Najib feels slighted by the article, he already replied to it via his PA.And if you feel it does not do you justice, sue RPK (get in line..) but do not use an archaic oppresive law which ranks way down there with the OSA and ISA to oppress someone.
If anything happens to RPK in prison, you, Barisan Nasional, especially you, Dato Seri DPM will be accountable.To the 52% who voted Pakatan and to the 6 states which you lost thanks to the likes of Raja Petra.
We will stand by RPK no matter what. Raja baik raja disembah, raja keji raja disanggah.
There will be a candlelight vigil tonight at Dataran Merdeka, following yesterday's candlelight vigil.Do try to come.
Update(12.30pm)- RPK has just posted bail in PJ Police headquarters...