Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Christmas Post

And so it came to pass that one Emmanuel Joseph survived another Christmas without major financial bankruptcy,baking burns,alcohol poisioning or vicious overeating.And it also came to pass, as per the Will of God that this year, he would find himself his soulmate, get a career going, and have much love from his family and friends that he feels extremely blessed.

And so this one Emmanuel Joseph decided to spend some of his year end bonus on Christmas shopping.No wait, let me rephrase that- a chunk of his bonus.So he drags up two good friends of his ... Pravin (Lamp post/ Pogo Stick/Menara KL) and Chin Leong (recovering alcoholic/crossdresser/wannabe Jessie Chung).The third would not fit into the Kancil, or there would be no space to carry back stuff.

And so they visit the friendly neighbourhood Tesco to shop.Oddly, there were not many cars (even though it was the 23rd and should be packed to the brim with people with money, who buy stuff, and holiday onlookers, who are just there for the free air con).So in goes the trio looking for a Christmas tree, decorations, a DVD player,Christmas gifts, wine, beer,and remaining stuff for baking, and starting with the Christmas tree, Emmanuel realizes he cannot seem to find any damn tree or decor for sale.This is the second time he is feeling pissed because of a Christmas tree.The week before, he visits Jusco just to find a huge 20 feet tree for display and only 4 feet trees for sale.

And the Lamp Post wants to take a look at fitness stuff, and suddenly we see the tree and decor being sold there.I mean WTF?Since when does Christmas trees end up in the fitness section.Never mind....we grab the tallest tree on sale (coz I am tired of trees below my height in my house- we might as well decorate a Bonsai)

And after this great tree discovery, he walks around up and down deciding on which drinks to buy for Christmas, till Lamp Post and Crossdresser gets a bit cheesed off la.Then we realize there are no Christmas songs playing in Tesco.Great.They've killed Jesus.

About one hour later, we met this dude we have not seen in a few years.Here's the thing with me- I do not see the point in 'Hi' and 'Hello' when you meet and old acquaintance.To me we are better of walking and ignoring each other.In fact, that would be the polite thing to do.

Coz otherwise all we'll be doing is lie.We meet someone we have not seen in aeons, perhaps we cannot remember their name in mamak, and we exchange name cards, smile, recall the one or two things we remember about the person and ask them about that thing (e.g. we only recall that the guy has a cute sister, a chihuahua or a huge porn collection) and go "Oh, how is your sister?"(reply: "She's underwent a sex change and now lives with a gay transvestite lumberjack called Tom") or "How is your dog" (reply :" She's dead, sodomized by a gay transvestite called Tom") or "Hey you still have those porn CDs" (reply : "no, Tom stole them coz my sister could not please him enough")

Then we laugh and ultra fake laugh and promise to keep in touch.Two weeks later, we meet the same person and go "Hey how are you?You still in (insert name of college/workplace/housing estate here)" its so damn fake.A proper honest conversation would be something like this

Person A: Hi, you look familiar but you are way too unimportant , insignificant, unpopular in my life, so I did not bother to know your name in high school or college.

Person B: Ha Ha, don't worry about it, you did not mean jack squat to me either.By the way, I am not interested to know where you work, or study, coz I'm gonna forget all about and only ask you about it the next time we meet.If I know someone there, I will not ask them about you, as they too are as insignificant to me as you are.If I don't know someone there,just to look popular, I will create/invent some safe names applicable to all races, like Joe, Tina, Mike and Tim and ask you if you know them.If you don't I will not be surprised as I made them up anyway.If you do, I will not be surprised, as you are a pathological liar by nature, and I will then have to make up some stuff about my fictional character, you will pretend to match them to a friend that you are pretending to have (i.e. oh is it Tina from the Chess club or the Chest club?The one with glasses or big chest?). And we will keep adding features until we come up with a completely new fictional character worthy of  The Sims

Person A: Let's exchange phone numbers and name cards now and discard them later.

Person B: OK.....Now let's promise to keep in touch and never bother, and open our phone books and wonder who the hell is this person about 6 months later.

Person A: Done.

OK Back to the Christmas post.So after meeting the unknown friend, and doing all of the above, I looked for a Christmas CD.I saw this big banner reading "Christmas Sale" in the CD section of Tesco, but when I looked, I found only ONE (1) damned Christmas CD and even that was not songs - only tunes.So yeap its official.A Christmas Sale without Christmas songs, they've killed not just Jesus but Santa Claus as well.

Disappointed at the lack of songs for sale, absence of songs playing and the fact that the Christmas tree was hidden (gee I was beginning to wonder if this was like some new Islam Hadhari concept)...I proceeded to pay the biggest single receipt bill in my life apart from electronics and my car, and was 'rewarded' with a Christmas Song - "Jingle Bells".....which leads me to believe its all a conspiracy.There's some big monitor somewhere behind the scenes in Tesco with an indicator 'Daily Christian Spending' and if the Christians of Klang spend a certain amount, Tesco is allowed to play one Christmas song.No wonder Tesco was empty.

Then we go on to Jusco were I was greeted with 'Chestnuts on an Open Fire in the rooftop carpark.Suddenly it seemed like Christmas came alive again and someone gave CPR to Santa Claus.No wonder Jusco was packed la.In Jusco realized that I look poor.Coz when I walked into Body Shop, no one but this Malay girl would layan me.Serves those arrogant Chinese girls who earns-4 bucks-an-hour-yet-looks-down-on-everyone who walks in, at last I bought 3  (pretty pricey) gifts there and the nice Malay girl got the commision....thats why do not judge a book by its cover.....even though the cover is a pair of flip flops and a pasar malam T-shirt, the guy might very well have more than your monthly salary in his wallet.Hmmph.Baka.Bought some wine as well.

Then both Pravin and Yap helped me decorate the new Christmas tree, with Yap wanting to convert to Christianity coz he found a new passion- decorating Christmas trees.So this year, we may see his Chinese New Year tree (the small pokok limau) being um, more colourful than usual.

After more galavanting, had a pleasant surprise on Christmas Eve when my colleagues came down straight from work to visit, bringing a big ass choc cake that was orgasmically yummylicious.Was really nice of them.Basically I introed them to my dad as such. "Pa, these are all my bosses, except this one" coz basically, yeah all were managers except Mathan and Syer.So all were my bosses la.

Had a lovely Christmas all in all,what more can one ask for when you have great friends, colleagues, family, and last but not least, love in your heart for someone special?

Love you all and Have a Belated Merry Christmas all my friends and those who bother reading this blog.May God grant us all his blessings for the New Year.

Oh yea, thanks Pelf for the gorgeous card! Looking forward to a New Year's in Genting this year hehee......Have a Good One all!! :)

Goodbye 2006.Hello 2007






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Blogger Lizzam said...

blaming Islam Hadhari on an 'anti-Christmas environment' in a supermarket that's been aksed to be avoided by Muslims for claims that it's 'owned by the Jews' and most prolly have a Chinese Manager (as is the case of most successful shopping centres) seems wrong la man.

Don't smash the monitor, slam on the kwyboard, if the CPU is hanging la dude...

7:25 PM  
Blogger Anucia said...

hey, chanced upon your site.
Your entries are good reads.
Happy new year!

1:53 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

Liz-Replied to you via email.Basically I don't blame Islam Hadhari....I just feel Islam Hadhari is miscontrued.I believe we are not an Islamic Nation if even ASB works in the concept of riba.

Anucia-Thank you!Thanks for stopping by and happy new year to you too.

8:39 PM  

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