Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The day I Saw Christ on a Ship.

Note: If you are offended by religious posts, or your name happens to initial to MENJ kindly turn away now before you throw rocks into my house.

I have always maintained that I am a lousy, low-level,scum-of-the-earth, gonna-burn-in-hell type of Catholic.Those who know me well enough often dispute this(though those who know me better than well enough readily support this statement).I do everything almost that Christians frown upon, among the tamer ones include swigging a bottle of alcahol, smoking like a chimney and having the PC with like the most amount of smut ever.I've had tonnes of people try to turn me over and what not but the world and me were too close to be torn apart and Heaven just had to wait.

Its odd coz I always thought of myself as knowledgable in matters of religion, and in my pride/arrogance,though probably true, that I knew more about doctrine than the average blue collar Sunday School teacher(no offence, God loves your work, but as a kid I did not). As a teenager I was deeply influenced by both sides of the story, on one side were the writings of Aquainas ,Plantinga and McDowell, and on the other, Nietzche, Crowley and LaVey himself.I always, in my pride or foolishness, thought of myself as a rationalist, a thinker and well-read.

Then came this vessel Doulos(the floating bookfair-vessel) that docked in the terminal next to the place I work..Ironically it was a Muslim friend of mine who suggested we visit this vessel.Since I am mixed and look Malay/Muslim myself both of us were kinda worried la, since Muslims previously were not allowed onboard (as much of the material is Christian-centric in nature). Anyway, there, I spent a luttle over 100  bucks on some books and a few nice CDs/cassetes.Among the books I picked up, there was a pictorial coffee table edition of "Passion" after the Mel Gibson book.His preface caught my attention.His book caught my soul.

Caught it enough to rethink my position in life.I was always so comfortable in this new position of mine to the point it was always about proving a point to those who doubted me and ever looked low on me.I was chasing the elusive golden carrot.I wanted to come far in life, and I have, and deservingly too according to some of my friends.I've always wanted to outdo, out-think and outperform.I was smitten by this world, especially at work, which brings me places and allows me to stay places I've never dreamt I will, eat where I wouldn't have and play where I never thought I would.That doubled with my passion to succeed pushed me further.I started doing lots of stuff out of my usual character.

For a most part, it was college that probably made me this way.A broken relationship and a string of backstabs from who I thought was my friends hardened my heart and made me only want to succeed in life,nothing more, nothing less.

Back to Doulos.Seeing this young beautiful people giving 2 years of their lives serving God by serving His people just reminded me of the things I use to know.Things I use to love and things I have since neglected, abandoned. I've had a hunger in my spirit I ignored for so long that one day it wasn't there anymore.Reading the book Passion , I threw out my porn, my last remaining box of cigarettes and decided to drink only socially from now on.(hey after all Jesus drank in Cana and in the upper room,rite? :P)

For one week I've been listening to nothing but Christian music on my way to and from work.and you know what?I actually like this life.It feels hollow, but strangely satisfying.Its kind of when you are hungry and suddenly the hunger is gone, but you haven't eaten, yet you don't feel hungry?well, its kind of like that.

Emmanuel as you know him has died.The cigarettes have been put out, glasses poured, CDs burnt, files deleted and whats left of Jesus in him, after all the torture is now being taken care of.In nomine Patris et Fille et Spirito Sancti.Amen.

 



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9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear mended heart,
it's really happy for me to know that you've somewhat know what is important, for after all it's the end that matters most

do remember though that it is over time when your present zeal will be tested. it takes tenacity and relentlessness to see Jesus in everyone and to remember and emulate how humbled Jesus, your Saviour was when he was crucified.

7:05 AM  
Blogger 5xmom ~chanlilian.net~ said...

Amen to that. But LOL, for a sec, I thot this is the story of a certain sailor who saw Jesus in the big seas, during his trip around the world. Thank God it is not.

6:52 PM  
Blogger She's Jess said...

Glad to hear that. How I wish I will be able to have my faith again...

7:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gee....well all the best to da re-incarnated EJ. Nice timing ehh after enjoying drinks n women, etc. most recently.

Atleast you've repented my son. Go and sin no more. To which i will answer: BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!

7:26 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

anonymous # 1- i get this vague feeling i've known you all along- thanks.I will try, God willing.

5 x mom- Thanks for taking the time- not everyday the legendary chanlilian ends up in your blog hehe.And no, I try as much as possible not to go near water(despite working in a port) as I suffer from mild aquaphobia.

She's Jess- You will someday and soon too.

Anonymous # 2- Well,all the more reason to say been there, done that right?No one but God alone can claim not to sin.So go ahead and throw your rocks.

12:13 PM  
Anonymous Yvy said...

Emm!! Awesome news....:) Welcome 'back'....now it's my turn to throw out my smut. ;P I've been to this road so many times that sometimes I feel like giving up but surprisingly the minute I feel that way, something happens and I'm filled with the Fire again. It's really amazing....He never leaves us lonely no matter how far away we get from Him, that's the glorious beauty of Him, eh? Always willing to accept us back with open arms. *Hugs*

Keep the faith, buddy! *curi fron Bon Jovi mya...* :D

10:57 AM  
Blogger spyder said...

Found your blogsite - from of all places ... the one whose intials start with 'M'! Read this piece and was touched. Thank you.We are on a pilgrim journey and the walk sometimes gets hard and we feel so wearied - but we can make it through Christ who strengthens us. Through HIm, With Him, In Him... we will journey on. :)

7:40 AM  
Blogger Emmanuel said...

spyder- yea sometimes God uses the Devil to achieve his goals...look at Job..hehe

If any of you wanna share your thoughts with me online I'd be more than happy.My email is in my profile.

6:33 PM  
Blogger spyder said...

Hi again -yes - it'll be nice to share thots - for Xians should affirm one another esp. in such trying times :) God bless ...

11:26 PM  

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