At Crossroads

Warning: This is a rant post.


I am at the point of crossroads in my life.Many, many crossroads.In fact I think I am at a highway interchange.

First and foremost I am thankful to God almighty for everything He's given me the last year.A great new job, very real and wonderful friends, a wonderful relationship that went 'boom' in my face.And now this.

This crossroads.Quite a few of them.

Maybe its His way to say slow down you jackass.Maybe its his way to repay me for all my dosa-dosa besar.But whatever it is, decisions are not an easy thing to make.

I went out with an old friend last night.She's nice and though we've known each other for a while, for reasons mysterious, I've never actually hung out with her.She's fun to be around with, and funny too.It was ackward for me at first, a bit, but a nice ackward.It was the first time I'd hung out with anyone of the opposite gender apart from no 2, without having people cockstaring me as the 'Malay terrorist cradle robber' trying to steal the 'poor Ipoh mari girl' from her hardworking chicken rice selling, BSN saving, attap house living parents.

Then there was this morning.It dawned on me.Like using a hack on your Bit Torrent, I got this rush.I realized, "Damn it, I am here.I made something of myself.I deserve something in return"

I realized I've been starving myself emotionally, financially and in many other ways.Maybe I'm still punishing myself.For the breakups, the breakdowns, the fuckups, the fuckdowns.I dunno.But this morning I was royally depressed.

I feel like I've been running this long run for so long, without end, only to finish last.And to find every single person who beat me there sitting down and sipping beer every 100m.

And that's a royally fucked up feeling.