Saturday, April 21, 2007

How to Irritate a Religious Zealot

Below are some ways, some tested, some otherwise to irritate your local religious zealot.Its pretty much standard things you CAN do wherever you are and regardless of whether the inferred zealot is a gun toting terrorist kind, the Billy Graham preaching kind, or the holier-than-thou ..I-am-as-holy-as-the-pope-and-you-gonna-burn-in-hell-Ha-Ha kind.

1.Blow bubble gum in front of them.Punctuate every "pop" with a holy chant/song.

2.While eating, suddenly look towards the heavens and cry "Thank you!Thank you!". Try shedding some tears a little bit.

3.Order really sugary drinks (Coke with sugar etc) and preach on the virtues of sugar and how plain water is evil and how God's plan of salvation involves people dying sooner from diabetes (technically you are not commiting suicide)

4.Start a debate on wheter God would prefer Pepsi or Coke

5.Argue that Furbies and Tickle Me Elmos are unethical and equates trying to create new lifeforms and play God.

6.Proclaim loudly that you just saw a holy image in your food then proceed to eat it before anyone gets to see it.Then wear an ear to ear smile and say "Now God is truly in me"

7.Ask for God's email address so you forward him your complaints in life.

8.Keep asking him/her "If God created us, who created God?" and claim total ignorence to any valid points raised.Then make outrageous statements like "I think God lives in Mars"

9.Start praising how cool God is...just whent he zealot gets in the grooves, reveal that you were referring to the Death Gods in Bleach.

10. Lament on how pitiful the zealots ancestors are and how lonely they must be in hell (at some point the zealots ancestors would have been fire and rock worshippers)

11.Insist that you have embraced the zealots' ideas on God.Then pretend to start worshipping the zealot.Take a photo of the zealot, place some candles before it and place it in a very visible place in your house.Call the zealot over to your place and as he enters your home, throw yourself at his feet and cry "Oh Blessed One!"

12.Ask the zealot if God truly forgives all your sins.If he says yes, slug him.Then look up to the sky, and wave your hand saying "Sorry G"

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