Good Training This Time

Well, as my job title at the moment does have the prefix "trainee" I guess my buddies and I almost eternally in training la.

But this week we were not on the field, boring the hell out of the workers asking stupid questions.Rather this week, we had a classroom session and it was hillarious thanks to the trainer who was this real funny guy la.And no I do not mean that in my usual nasty way.His jokes had us in stitches all the way.

Q:" Why must we clean the containers before the next stuffing?"
A: "OK, you see let's see Emmanuel owns a condom factory.And this other dude owns a chilli plantation.If I do not wash my container that contained chillies before I put in the condoms, imagine the new flavour that you would have created"

Q:"What happens if we plan the vessel wrongly and weight distribution is uneven?"
A:"Remember Titanic?"

He even went on to tell us this story of the Selangor vs Perak match on Saturday, where he said two sesat Perak fans ended up in the Selangor area, and how they forced the Perak fans to cheer for Selangor

Selangor fan to Perak fan, after Perak scored a goal "Ah, duduk diam diam jangan nak mengada ada pulak"
Selangor fan to Perak fan, after Selangor scored a goal "Ah apa lagi?Sorak la! Kuat Kuat!"

And how two jokers from Indonesia were there just to cheer Bambang on, with an Indonesian fan.

At this point I wondered to myself.What the hell is an Indonesian flag doing in a Malaysian football match?Tak cukup ker they invaded our kitchens, our construction sites and the Chinese towkay balak kids are overcrowding our private colleges (easily identifiable with the blank stares they give you when you speak Cantonese to them)

Now they wanna invade our stadiums.Somehow I get the feeling if I wear a Jalur Gemilang to a Universitas Jakarta, I will probably be left with two stripes.

My unwanted opinion on elections in public universities.Why bother la? What do you mean "We can steer to a new course?"
Unless the election is for the office of Higher Education Minister I think the post is nothing more than a paramount position.Much like a tribal leader in present day Sarawak.If you really want to make a difference, adopt a pet from PAWS, or go build houses in Sarawak.

Usually one would be inclined to be cautious when posting for the world to read.But hey who reads my blog rite? :P

Oh yea, to all friends who do communicate with me using the phone, I apologize in advance for the blaring music you might experience especially theme songs from 'Salaam Namaste', as yours truly is trying to get in touch with his Indian side lar.This symptom would most likely wear off soon.

p/s: I've been trying in vain to add a photo to this post but well it was in vain.Evil Blog.

o.O

The Typical Malaysian Professional

Having very recently joined the (corporate) working world,I've compiled a simple list of what I think of the Malaysian middle to upper middle working class.And I am generalizing here, so if you're one of the 'Neos of the System' do not read further than this, pat yourself in the back and go play with your Bonzi Buddy.

The typical Malaysian Corporate/Exec

-Swims knee deep in loans and debts

-Drives a car he/she cannot afford, but sincerely believes he/she can afford it.Most probably a Waja/Vios/City

-Has more gadgets than the average CIA agent

-Has read a few poorly written, 'happy' self help books on finance and sincerely believes they know more than economic experts and that making it to the top is a breeze.Probably by repeating to yourself daily "I am good, I am great,I am good,I am great.Amen"

-Also believes they are greater than others because they sell MLM,Insurance or IDD cards.

-Has 4 or more ATM cards

-Has at least 3 credit cards.Sticking out of their wallet

-Each of the ATM cards has access to a nest egg fund of about Rm 200

-Each of the credit cards have a credit limit of Rm 1,000

-Will repeat the story of the time they ate at (insert a bloody expensive place name here ) a few years on, to anyone who will listen.By the time you hear it, the restaurant has probably changed management.

-When prompted, will increase salary by 2 times, number of subordinates by 3,benefits a few times fold and job complexity depending on person asking.

Signing off for now.If you are wondering at the pissy vibe with this post, its coz I was summoned to a nun's place to teach them how to use the Net.Against my Unholy will.Summoned, you know as in I was a magical genie ever ready to abide and serve.

God save my soul.

I got tagged

And here I am typing a stupid blog entry.Shin Shin, you prick.

1985 :20 years ago

I was freaking two years old. Scared of everyone and everything. I was two!!! Lightning, firecrackers, everything seemed traumatizing.Other than that I vaguely remember biting into a cili padi and crying till someone shut me up.Come to think of it, maybe thats why I am capable of screaming loudly.I had early practice.

1990:15 years ago

Lets see...I was 7.Just starting school.Don't think I pooped in my pants.I hated everyone.Especially females.Funny creatures with pinafores.Cries when teased, most commonly about boyfren-boyfren.Shrieks when presented with cool 'toys' like lizard tail,dead bird or worm.

1995:10 years ago

Moving into secondary school.Still hated everyone.The thing is I think 5 years gave them time to hate me back.Took up self defense to protect self against bully sister who gave me an agonizing childhood.Eager to enter into 'adult' life

2000:5 years ago

Moving out of secondary school.Still hate everybody.Some people like me, but mostly they hated me.Damned eager to enter college and break the cycle of hate

2002: 3 years ago

Prime of my life.Juggled 3 jobs while holding down my education.Got a chick.Loved her with all my heart.Life was good

2004:Last year

Very good beginning of the year.Bought a car and a laptop.Enjoyed socializing, saved money, started thinking about work, forming networks and contacts etc.

2005: This year

The most diverse year of my life.Year opened with car crashing,laptop stolen and girlfriend dumping me in favor of preaching to llamas in Mongolia (last i heard she was a programmer for StanChart)
Picked up in the middle- got a good job, met and finalized good future plans, met newfound friends who actually do NOT hate me.Started to blog, people read my blog, people laugh,that makes me happy.

The sad part is I find myself (lately) wanting to share all of this with someone.Someone I can talk to, who can talk back to me and whom I can love wholeheartedly, without reservation and shower all my attention and affection to.No, its gotta be a human, not an Aibo.And um, female.

2006: Hopefully

I will find that someone(damn i am near the point of crying) and make her the happeist person for making me the happiest person.

2015:

I will be retired, rich married to that someone and
torturing my neighbours cat.

That's it.Off to do some work now.

An Eventful Week

The price of good employment is to bare one's (fake) ass in front of a host of people attending your company's annual dinner.For those of you who heard, laugh your asses off.For those who haven't, ignore these lines.

It was an eventful week.Besides the ackward feeling of wearing a lounge suit to an Indian wedding(because one idiot friend of mine had this brilliant idea of going for the wedding a la fifties- with a coat and your shirt collar folded over,outside the coat).And if birds of a feather indeed flock togather, I am an idiot/loser by now.Just kidding.

Visualize this.A group of guys who look fresh our of a comic book surrounded by people who look like they just came off a boat to visit their Indian relatives working in Malaysia.I mean seriously, it looked as though we were extras from Austin Powers lost on a Bollywood film set.Minus the chicks.Minus the glam.Anyway apart from looking like total aliens in our own church the suits were stuffy and we were panting like dogs inside a Chinese coffee shop.Despite my attraction to my paternal side of culture, I cannot/refuse to understand why people insist on wearing jasmines on their hair even when they know insects love to pollinate flowers,whether its on the tree, or on your head.Another reason to get myself a camera phone.I want to record the precious moment when finally, finally a swarm of bees attack an Indian lady's floral hairdo.

Short on cash?Rob any Indian wedding.Why?Coz all the older ladies will be wearing their life collection of gold around their neck and wrists.Many look like hip hop rappers and a few even might be able to challenge Mr T.It amazes me how they can turn their neck and lift their hands with all that gold.I mean, what next?One shot print the title deeds of your houses/land, your bank passbook and the JPJ letter for your car and carry it around la.Or here's an idea- make it into a T Shirt. "I own 30 cows." Glad to know this habit is dying down and the younger ones prefer to come with simpler accessories.Makes them look better.Then you actually can focus on the face rather than the bicycle chains choking it.

The dinner was not bad, but the idea of having ice carved swans too early in the evening that by the time the dinner was half way through, the swans were beheaded/decapitated would have left some kids screaming everytime they hear the Ugly Duckling story from henceforth.All in all- congratulations Alvin!

Nawruz asked me to blog on oil prices, so I guess I can.To me its simple, just stop living elaborately.Everyone should really stop spending more than they earn.Seriously , its really damn simple.There is no shame in driving a smaller car, or taking private transport.Its also simpler to eat one or two dishes at the economy rice stalls(which btw should be charged in court for misleading the public on prices) rather than piling meat on your plates.We don't really need popcorn when we watch movies right?Credit cards are evil.And the Star newspaper should stop reminding Malaysians that we are poor, we need to be frugal and in other words the economy is going to the dogs.Not all of us end up with 12 kids and 1300 per month.

Malaysian Political Parties

Well, this is not meant to be a political blog, but occasionally I do blog about politics when I get a patriotic vibe.Or lack thereof.Today I am feeling somewhere in between.See, politicians and me have always had a sort of love-hate relationship.I love to hate them.After some time you realize that politics really does everyone not much good.Its like a cycle.

DISCLAIMER: If you are a loyalist, leftist, rightist or middleist and practically worship any one party/politician as a demigod, please be warned that side effects may include utter hatred and/or irritation towards one very lovable Emmanuel Joseph.Long term usage may result in killing or maiming of one Emmanuel Joseph.Jail terms and butt conditions apply.Killing or maiming of Emmanuels would result in termination of own life.Homour is not for everybody.Consult your local yogi.

..read on

Chinese will take money from the Malay government contact to fund the Indian who is standing on a Chinese Opposition ticket.Its a nice arrangement.But seriously...what is developed countries compared to us la I mean US-200 million people, 2 main parties.Malaysia- 22 million people, 1,2,3....wait I lost count.Plus our politicians are probably the most colourful in the region.And I mean no racial connotation with that statement , so Special Branch people reading this,kindly put down your cuffs and remove your sunglasses.I mean the statements issued are becoming recycleable (proving Dato' Ong Ka Ting's campaign for 'Kitar Semula' might be misintepreted)

Not Just Barisan Nasiaonal but also the Oppositetion.

Read this and tell me if you don't think its redundant.

UMNO - "Kita sentiasa mendengar kehendak rakyat.UMNO selaku parti pemimpin Barisan Nasional tidak akan menindas mana mana kaum di negara ini. Kami dalam Barisan Nasional akan berkhidmat, dari rakyat, untuk rakyat untuk menuju negara cemerlang, gemilang, dan terbilang!"- [[which btw I believe is literally translates not to excellence, glory and distinction, but excellent,glittery and counted.]]

UMNO(Pemuda) -"Kami takkan kompromi!!!"

MIC - "Kami menghormati pandangan Yang Amat Berhormat Tuan Perdana Menteri.Kami akan membincangkan perkara ini di dalam Kabinet, dalam semangat Barisan Nasional."

MCA - "Isu ini tidak ada apa apa isu sebenarnya, it is a non issue.Kami semua telah bersetuju dengan saranan Perdana Menteri untuk menyelesaikan isu ini secara sebaik yang mungkin dan secepat yang mungkin."[[Tapi sehingga kini kami masih tak tau apa itu isu tersebut]]

Gerakan- "I will discuss this with the YAB Perdana Menteri.Yes, we will discuss it but for now we cannot come to anything yet. I will bring it up in cabinet and togather , ah, we will come up with a solution for this problem."

IPF -"We really want to join the government, but cannot.Never mind.We still support the government"

USKO,PBS,etc - "Kami berharap dengan adanya program dan rancangan sedemikian kami akan dapat meningkatkan lagi ekonomi negeri, dan seterusnya merapatkan jurang antara Semenjung dengan Sabah/Sarawak."

The Opposite-tion also like this....

PAS- "Ya, kami memang menyokong tindakan tersebut, bahkan PASlah yang menyarankan dahulu langkah tersebut diambil.Masalahnya implementasi tersebut haruslah tidak bercanggah dengan perjuangan PAS.Orang-orang bukan Islam bagaikan saudara kami"

DAP- "We reiterate our stand that Malaysia is a secular country.And that the is totally unconstitutional and uncalled for.DAP demands that retracts that statement."

keADILan - "We are still very much in context with the Malaysian community.Many people are speculating all sorts of things now, but for the moment we are unsure of our political direction.We have many ideas from our friends in the Opposition as well as from our friends in UMNO, but for the moment keADILan will remain as it is "

MDP -"We demand that DAP retract its statement calling for a retraction of a statement.We cannot tell you why, but we demand it.Even though basically we are an opposition party and are supporting the government.Never mind,er, we still demand it.

Let me cautiously state here that I pledge almost total apathy to politics and that this post is purely a joke.A joke.A joke.OK.And for those of you who meluap luap wanna bantai me... please direct your rage at the nearest possible theme park mascot/person called MGG Pillai/futsal court.And for those of you didn't catch it the first million times, its a joke.

Primary School Nostalgia

I'm feeling old today.Ancient.And the white hair poking out of prematuredly matured follicles do not help one bit.

The whole purpose of this post was on Sunday, after church I somehow got stuck on this programme called 'Dumex Science Challenge' or something to that amount. Before you go on nagging about my funny taste in kid's infotainment programmes, kindly be informed that I was going to watch XMen before those el cheapos at The TV3 Carnival Bunnies decided to shortchange advertizers.

Anyway- the questions they were asking were maut questions- stuff about electromagnets, catalysts,the Earth's prehistoric magnetic fields and Brownian movements.Stuff we, the old gobloks learnt in Forms 4 and 5.Asking these questions to a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds.And on the other spectrum you have the less intellectually inclined kids(read as: confirmed failures) whose sole purpose in life is to make the publishers of 'Pendekar Awan', 'Pendekar Kampung' and 'Pendekar Silat Angsa Kentut' richer.



Now this got me thinking about my primary school days.

We never bothered about
-whether Slipknot was featured on MTV tonight or not
-if terrorists were going to hijack golf buggies and hold caddies hostage.
-what was a tsunami
-will Ichiko/Kenshin/Naruto defeat the Undefeatable Enemy this week, or will the makers prolong that fight scene for another year
-If a cute singer you saw on your hari sukan was in fact a boy.

I remember when our primary concerns were
-If our Maths exercise book could handle more thinning due to our constant tearing out the front page to make 'guns/sampan/topi/...' and other neccesary 'accesories' for our kejar kejar, police-and-thieves or longkang version of cowboys and indians.
-If Nano Nano or Mamee ever ran out at the grocery shop
-What colour bubble gum to blow today
-If the canteen auntie ran out of the 20 sen ice cream
-Will I manage to collect 10 ringgit for Jogathon this year

Luxury for us then was
-Affording a 50 sen cone ice cream with three scoops rather than a 20 sen cone with one scoop
-Nasi Lemak with Telur Goreng
-Cheap 14 bucks Boy London watch
-Cheap fake Crocodile wallet, you know the type with a cardboard American Express Credit card tucked inside.

Damn, I feel like an abused , malnourished, underprivilaged child.

Sunway Lagoon and Independence.

Disclaimer: This is two posts in one.I did not spend Merdeka flashing my spare donut for tourists to see.


Last Sunday, the Four Parias and I went to Sunway Lagoon with one of our rare Malay friend, Hizzad.Here are a few things I've learnt from my first visit there.

-Tourists leave their slippers, bathing towels and wallets lying around everywhere and expect it to be there when they return.When its not, they whine while in queue and stop everyone else from using the rides.

-Only in Malaysia can you find (hopefully) a tourist, covered from head to toe in traditional Mideastern garb complete with what looks like a loose samurai-like face cover, pass a bottle to her teenage daughter who is covered in a skimpy bikini, showing off her Mideastern midriff.

-The two tigers in Sunway Lagoon have four zoologically known positions-catwalk,sleep,eat and yawn.

-Malaysians will complain to pay 10 cents more for a roti canai, 20 cents more for a teh tarik, 2 sen more per liter of petrol, but will happily pay 7 bucks for a Burger Ramli.

-Mascots live a miserable existence.They are always smiling.Even if you slug them, they will be smiling.If a 'mascot sidekick' (that btw lives an even sadder existence by playing second fiddle to an already pitiful being) informs the mascot that his girlfriend is in a coma and might die, the bloody duck in underwear of Sunway would still be smiling.I remember a time when I was 13 years old and visited England's Drayton Manor amusement park- I stepped on the mascot "Rory the lion" ' s paws.And it was still smiling.These guys should have a union to wipe the smile of their faces

And so passed Sunday.On Merdeka eve I spent again the evening with the Four Animals.It was sad, really.The clubs at Hartamas was so damnfull you would open the doors just to see a lot of black male bums wiggling.If and when drunk, doctor in training, biotechnologists, mechanical engineer and so called exec are all reduced to the same level of idiocy, lunacy and cheapskateness to the point that I think that all problems of the world can be solved through alcaholism.

I mean seriously- consider it.If everyone were drunk, there would be no war,no terrorism, no racism and no AP issue.We would all be equals- equally loud, equally slurred and we would even have similar blood content i.e. 40% blood , 60% alcahol.I sincerely believe if we all are drunk while our next mutation, rare blood type shortage could be overcome as all of us would be type 'Johnie Walker'.The rarities would be those suffering from Jack Daniels Syndrome or beerossemia.Those who don't drink and get infused with blood would just simply be known as hydromaniacs and we would wage civil war against them.

Happy Merdeka.