We are all Butt Kissers

Was with a group of friends the other day and one of them commented on the successes on some of our friends.Then he made a snide remark, calling this other friend a butt kisser.Two thoughts crossed my mind at once....one was my name calling friend was being a typical jackwanker as all at the table knew she was really a loser.Always competitive but almost always hollow inside la. This is the category of people I call, um, Hollows ( you know like the creatures in Bleach , except ghosts from the underworld is smarter than her)

Another part of me was thinking to myself....we are all butt kissers to a certain extent.Seriously, even the most good and holiest of us all.All job roles and descriptions requires it....Main job roles are placed first in the job description.

Accountants- Kiss CEO's butt. Fake numbers, cook the books and confuse the shareholders with numbers that look good, don't add up and/or make no sense.Or convince them that being 1 billion dollars behind debt and being in the red for the last 20 years is a good thing for the company.

PA to CEO- Kiss CEO's butt.Sleep with CEO.Book meeting rooms,karaoke rooms, hotel rooms and massage parlours for CEO.Provide female, or in some exceptional cases, male company/entertainment to CEO and charge to Accountant as 'entertainment allowance'. Effectively all XO and JD orders will be translated a 'seafood dish' or 'exotic fried rice'.

CIO- Kiss CEO's butt.Confuse the CEO with big jargons on technology that you read in today's copy of InTech and CHIPs.Always answer your PDA phone when asked on costing and walk away, never to return and pretend as if you forgot the question.

CFO-Be butt kissed by the CEO and everyone in the organization so everyone can go around their daily 'expenses' without hindrance.

Priest- Kisses God's butt.This is done by singing daily praises to him and telling everyone to do the same.

NGO worker-Kisses Opposition's butt.Although there is very little to be gained from that, being in the Opposition is already not financially smart, so its like kissing a broke person's butt. Might as well kiss the wall, at least you won't get investigated under the Sedition Act and placed under ISA.

Opposition-Kisses Anwar Ibrahim's butt.Why?Hmm...liwat charges....

Government-Kisses PM's butt.But only because they have to.Recently resorted to kissing DPM's butt, just in case.

Underwear model-Kisses everyone's butt to get where he is, then exposes his own butt.

Ancient Egyptians/college dorm dwellers-Kisses a two mounded stone called Butt.Then get high on crack.The ceremony is called ButtCrack.


Think of any job, and you will find some form of buttkissing involved.Sad but true.Now where's my lip gloss?

Of Good Movies and Dumb People

First off, sorry for a no show on the earlier promised pics.My house suffered a power failure.That coupled with some personal stress, saw me going to work 5 hours earlier, spending 1.5 of those hours in the gym, and effectively spraining both ankles.Thankfully, by 6pm, some of those stress have settled, or more precisely 89% of that stress :P

Another 11% and other matters should take care of itself come tommorow morning.Went to some movies recently, back to back.First was Night at the Museum and it was to me, the best Ben Stiller movie ever made.His other movies like Zoolander was just a combination of slapstick, lame comedy and recycled, badly told jokes.Meet the Parents was OK, but it was De Niro who brought out the show.Night at the Museum's big selling point is its CGI and small minute details and a really comedic take on history.

The second nice story I watched was The Guardian, which was basically a ripoff of an earlier Japanese movie similar to the theme.But it was really well done.However I did not enjoy the damned movie at all- no thanks to this couple behind me who basically narrated a skewed version of the movie in Cantonese.Oh, the agony of hearing people talk loudly during movies.Oh, the even bigger agony of understanding what they say.And oh, the unspeakable agony of knowing what they are saying is basically nonsense.

Here is a sample...a really small sampling of the ordeal me and the gang underwent in the cinema...

Scene: Burning ship

Additional non-scripted dialogue cum sound effect by irritating couple- For ! for! Sei For lo.....Wah...kam tai for (wah...fire...fire...damn big fire!!!)

Scene : Someone dies

Additional non-scripted dialogue cum sound effect by irritating couple: Wah! Kam Wai Tai! Chee Kei sei em ser tak phang yau sei...wah chan hai kam tung (Wah! So noble! Self sacrifice for his friend! Wah so touching)

Scene : Someone may have died or may not have died, the scriptwriters have not revealed this

Additional non-scripted dialogue cum sound effect by irritating couple : Oi? Sei chor mei? Hoi sei chor?Yee ka tim?Eeng koi mei sei la (Has he died?How now?Don't think he died)

Scene : Separated couple trying to reconcile

Additional non-scripted dialogue cum sound effect by irritating couple: Lee kor hai meh yan?Hoi ker lou poh ah?Lei fan chor mei? (Who is this?the wife?Have they divorced or not?)

To the dear auntie and uncle who was irritating us the the point of diaorrrhea...PLEASE FOR GOD's SAKE... get a bloody DVD next time.Call me and I will buy one for you.Watch the damn movie in the comfort of your own damned house and if you feel like it,or get too confused, you can just shut the movie off and have like,kinky old people sex or something.Leave us, the already depressed population suffering from rising fuel,toll and living cost, premature ageing, heightened racial and religious tensions, a thinnning ozone, global warming,a whole range of new livestock borne diseases, raging wars in every corner of the globe and the possibility that Spongebob Squarepants may be shut down next season due to maritime life insensitivity.

We have to put up with enough crap as it is,we have friends in MLM, trying to sell us overpriced vinyl handbags and scented candles that smell like ...wax.

We have a PM who gives us heartwarming speeches than announces another price hike somewhere.

We have floods everywhere , and no money to give them, yet enough money to build a giant, bigass keris pewter monument and place it in the middle of nowhere.

So, please by all the names of all the gods, prophets and TVB movie stars that you idolize,stop talking.If the Benedictine monks can survive years of not talking, and lamas in Tibet can observe silence , and Phytogoras demand a vow of silence as a prerequisite to learning from him, I am SURE you will not die if you do not speak for the entire, long duration of 2 whole freakin hours.

There.Peace be with you.Amen.

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What I never wanted to be

After some chats with my dear girl,I realized that growing up I had always wanted to be this somebody la at one point or another.I went through like a plethora of 'ambitions' before ending up in a career path chosen by like 2/3rds of Malaysian students... Information Technology.

More like 5/6th of all Malaysian students la.Yea yea, Zaman Teknologi Maklumat my brown behind.

And most of the 'IT' jobs you get at Cyberjaya and Technology park would not require any form of IT professional training whatsoever, any dud would be able to answer phone calls and go 'Hello, International Global Call Center Masquarading as a Technical Specialist.My name is , but it does not matter since you're going to forget me in ten minutes anyway.If you would like to know, I hold a Masters in IT, but my job could easily be taken over by a PMR graduate,a talking dog, or a phone recorded message.

I've been job hunting before, and that was 2 years bacl, and from what I heard the market's only got tougher.Back then, job fairs would be like 80% call center jobs (HDPM-HSBC's call center) is like the biggest unemployed grad farm I've seen in my life.The Government should award Datukship to the white guy running the place.Out of the 20% remainding jobs, 5% would be programming jobs that requires the applicant to be proficient in 30 coding languages, the ability to work 22 hours a day and the patience to do it all under a salary of 1.5k per month.

5% more would be jobs that require 3 or more years experience but somehow opened a booth in a college job fair.And usually they will recommend you the call center jobs as you lack experience (they have call center openings too)

2% would be for ultra hunted positions, with 1 million applicants going for like 5 posts.And then they will make you go for blood test, eye test, IQ test, EQ test, shooting test, lie detector test, until at the end of the day you will be convinced that you are being interrogated by the CIA and your dad is related to Osama Bin Laden, and confused, you decide to join the call center to avoid detection.

Only the remaining 8% would be actual IT jobs whose advertisers are actually looking for college grads or something and willing to give you a chance la.So those lucky few who are not succumbed to the Dark Side of the earlier categories would be those who chose a Jedi Way LOL.

But back to the topic, I had always at some point of my life some burning ambition la.

Among things I wanted to be when I grew up apart from the mandatory 'doctor,lawyer,engineer,architect' (both real ambitions and fictional figments from childhood), in no particular order

-A Jesuit priest
-A Jedi librarian(OK laugh laugh...but I thought it was cool to know all the stuff in the galaxy and still kick ass with a lightsaber)
-A forensic anthropologist
-A paedatric neurologist (I remember reading somewhere they're rare)
-A military strategist
-A pilot
-A marine biologist (especially when I got fixated on deep water creatures for a season) ...yea Pelf, laugh la
-A Capuchin monk
-Electronics guru specializing in complex PCBs.
-Poisons expert (ninja movies)
-A horticulturist

And numerous others.There also things I did not want to be....but sometimes my friends assume I do due to well, alcahol influencing their thoughts or my voice or something similar.

-A towel model
-A professional clown
-A professional sushi eater (the guys who has to stuff up the last pieces of sushi from a karaoke night)
-Same as above for ice cream or anything else.
-A professional singer
-A prophet
-Jesus Christ Superstar
-A black Jesus.
- A cross between a red beetroot and a guy who thinks he's a beluga whale.
-An economist
- A UN envoy(when I suddenly launch into a volley of international goings on jibber jabber like I actually know what I am talking about- usually a few glasses of alcohol does that to people.)


well, Yap, at least I do not do an Egyptian dance or the Numa Numa la.So there.My two and a half sen worth.And I know you're reading as well (you know who you are la la...so Ai Shiteru to you too.)