Thursday, December 22, 2005

Christmas Shopping and Ongoing Scams

Did my Christmas shopping progressively during the last week.Boy did it hurt the finance dept.

Christmas decor for plastic tree- Very Expensive for molded plastic.

Christmas munchies and cookies-Very high for natural products

Presents, etc-Very expensive


The look on peoples faces when they open presents or open food- Priceless?My foot.Its depressign especially if they give out stupid comments la not nice la bla bla.


Well its free.Live with it.But in the spirit of Christmas, of course I will not reply sarcastically but smile.So in the same spirit of Christmas its expected for you to also shut up and not make stupid comments to people who bleed financially to make everyone happy.This applies to all other festivals :).I have this theory/impossible daydream that everything during Christmas(or Raya, or Deepavali or CNY)should be free, in the spirit of muhhibah.The chicken sellers should distribute free chicken, the club owners should pour alcahol free of charge and vending machines should be unlocked so we can loot its free contents.

But to my friends, of course when I praise your(actually your mum's) cooking/baking I mean it la :P(evil laugh)

There was this blog created pinged on PPS earlier, I forgot the name which lamented that the blog owner(s) got cheated by this Thai gem scam.OK, I'm missing the point.You're going to Thailand and you HAD to buy jewellry.And our local diamond merchants have endorsed thats its authentic.What's the problem?Just sell it to the vendors who say its authentic and finish off with it la.Why the noise?Trade it in and buy a table fan or something.

And I have another theory on how to deal with these famous scammers.

1.Watch Salesmen

OK, so you buy this cheap imitation watch that the seller claims is a stolen Rolex.Here's how u irritate the hell out of him.You know the Rolex is fake right?Look through his collection, and look at any random watch and look shocked.Take out THAT watch and study it carefully, like holding it against the sun and all.(Make him think that watch is, by some fluke, an original) bargain the price with him, look hurried and excited.When he passes you the watch, quickly hide it, look at him, and walk away fast.Glance back every ten steps and smile mysteriously.

2.African Black Money Scam

OK, I think you've heard of this scam where this African dude will walk up to you, and sell you some money for a lower price and the money is painted black , and the Arican dude will wash the money to reveal, walla, spanking new notes.This is often accompanied by grandmother stories aboiut dying dictators who want to smuggle their fortune out of  Africa.The trick is, the second time he sells you the cheaper notes, its actually black paper.Now here's my idea to teach these guys a lesson.

Find a really fair skinned guy and paint him black with water colour.Then get someone to wash his face off with a miracle liquid(a.k.a water) and walla, he becomes white.Sell the african this mircale water.Now run.

-More to be continued...-


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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Narnia's Aslan VS the ING Lion

Finally watched something last week and it happened to be CS Lewis' masterpiece about a Caucasian Wiccan who lives togather with a lion in a kitchen cabinet or something like that :P
Just kidding of course.

I read Narnia quite early in life and the sense of emotions I felt reading the book was not quite what I got from the movies.Will give you some examples(Warning: Major spoilers ahead, but you know you want to read it)

First of all Aslan was a bit too insurance-ish for me la.The guy looks just like the ING Lion!!! Especially the part he appears the first time I swear I could hear my mind saying.. "ING...your choice for solid financial assurance"

Then the Bomoh Putih... looks like The Ice Dude (Arnold Swatch-Nigger in Batman) chick.The tombak salji she carries around doesn't really help make more 'coldly beautiful'- the image i got when I read Narnia.

The part where a certain main character dies(and like all good movies, gets resurrected) , was supposed to make me feel like I was watching Passion of the Christ but I really felt like laughing coz it looked like a cross (pun intended) between an advertistment Gillette would show to advertise their new 'Singa Triple Blade Action' razor , a SPCA Animal Cruelty awareness campaign video and a scene in a cheap horror flick where the designated foolish person tries to summon a demon using a blood sacrifice (you know, hte ones where the summoner usually die in the process)

For those who would like the EJ Shortened Version of Narnia(either for comedy purposes, to waste a few minutes of idling in the office/college or to get a rough idea what Narnia is all about) it goes like this

This town gets whacked with artillery and this bunch of misfit kids gets bundled away to live with a JRR Tolkein wannabe while the Germans rain bombs on their town in a perfectly good train unharmed by the war ; that looks just like the ones in Harry Potter or The Polar Express

So anyway they play hide and seek, and fall into a cupboard in which lives an amazing spread of fauna(including a Faun itself) and flora. Then Santa Claus comes along and gives these kids some amazing weapons including Anduril (Aragorn's sword) and Legolas's Bow which got lost in Morgoth and was recovered in Narnia.Then one of the kids steals the One Ring from a wandering peddler who sells "Cincin Suasa" and becomes evil.He then sells his siblings off for some chocolates made in Afghanistan or something. Then he turns into a rhino and storms the bad guys. Joining the battle is Lion King's gang of wild animals including jaguars, wild boars and so on.

Eventually the Lion roars and announces that he is in insurance and suddenly both his friends and foe flee at the sight of him and only the kids remain, coz they are not sure what insurance is, and so he crowns all of them members of the Million Dollar Round Table and they all lived happily ever after.

What do you think?

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Why I Cannot Understand Malaysian Housing Estates

OK , apart from the increasingly pan-Asian a.k.a I'm-Malaysian-but-trying-to-sound-European-but-not-too-much-so-lemme-merge-lame-names-that-sound-tropical type of housing project names...

Either they are annoyingly long: like Bandar Sri Panjanghingga Menyumpahditengahjalanraya , or trying to hard to sound Franco-Sino-Malay like: Ville Chic De Sang Sapurba or trying to hard to sound exotic when all you have are two half-alive potted plants infested with stick insects in your 'gateway' arch, like Kaninama Tropical Paradise.

And I refuse to believe that almost all new housing projects are built on hills la..what am I talking about? Bandar Bukit this and that.Or This and That Hills.And whats with the 'sequel' naming convention la...

Sri Lalang i,ii,iii,iv,v,vi,vii.....The problem is, one will be in Pahang, one in Perlis, and thanks to AFTA a few might be in Sukarnosia or Arroyoland.(for the historically blur, Indonesia and Phillipines respectively)

No, apart from ALL that, my REAL problem with Malaysian Housing projects is the damned road names.Not only the new ones, the old ones too.Yesterday night, after some drinks with friends I missed a turn and ended up in someone, wild, ulu area of Klang called Teluk XX(Ai Leen,Mathan,Seelan sorry but I have to ketuk your area wei) now all the names of roads in this area are named after fish.Now correct me if I am wrong but aren;t roads supposed to be name for some big orang 'berjasa' to that area, like Tun HS Lee, Hang Tuah or something?

What the hell did the fish do for the people of Klang?Now my theory goes something like this... One day a pelanduk was...wait, thats taken.OK wait, one day, a fish was swimming near the Klang river when a hungry villager came by and speared it with a tombak, and Poof! It became Coco Crunch!

Err...OK that didn't but lemme get back to my story.I got lost.For those who know me probably know the No1 fact about me which is I am road-sign blind.If you spin me three times outside my house and asked me to find the way back, I'll probabaly get lost.And here you had Jalan Bawal la, Jalan Tenggiri la, Jalan Bawal Hitam la...OMG imagine the trauma.Plus I was sleepy, drunk and overworked.Thankfully, by some miracle, the Gods of the Road decided to be kind to me and after driving over two padangs, I ended up on familiar ground.And so I live to tell the story of when I got lost 10 minutes from my house.Yet another feather in my 'My Life is a Big Fat Joke' cap.

So today I was sending my Colleague back to his car when he yells "WEI" and like the lousy driver that I am I emergency brake in the middle of a yellow box and I heard this SCREECH sound and I saw this motorcyclist do a slide and nearly dropping on the road.His face was only a few cm off from my window.I lowered the window, half expecting the guy to sucker-punch my face and probably pummel the living Force out my me, but the nice guy smiled at me and I said "Really Sorry bang..." in my most manja cute voice, which I realized make sound just like an ah pon, so...

Anyway, I survived, my friend survived and if you're wondering why the word Colleague is in blue its coz I couldn' spell it and had cut it out from a memo from my admin. :D

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Illogical Advertisments

Sometimes I hear ads that make little or no sense on TV or through the radio and wonder whether those who wrote those pieces live in this planet or otherwise.Or did they get kidnapped by aliens and fitted with growth microchips and reprogrammed as advertising folk as part of a big conspiracy by cute green Martians to conquer Earth by making earthlings stupid.

I mean how else can you explain our weirdness in this age.We do stuff today that just a few years ago would have cowherders in India laugh their asses off at our stupidity.For horror, we now depend on B Grade directors from Japan or Korea to produce the same stupid story about a haunted inanimate, innocent object with recycled scenes like small kid with freaky skin tone staring at you,teenage girl with no facial features(i.e. eyes, nose) looking at you using her, err face, head that turns 360 degrees like an owl,creaking steps and the list goes on.

For entertainment, the 'cool'(read: got money) among us goes to the club that serves the most overpriced drinks coupled with the loudest incomprehensible music.And for the 'classier' of us(read: got not much money) we hang out in a midrange price pub that plays music stolen from commerical radios or illegally downloaded MP3s.While the most 'mature' (read:broke) among us hang out in mamak stalls watching EPL while making fun of the 'cool' and 'classy' people while secretly wishing we had the dough to jiggy around our bloated asses to Sean Pauls We Be Burnin next to a transexual marinated in cheap cologne

I was listening to Light and Easy's ad over and have been meaing to post this.I'm sure some of you have heard this one ... "Imagine a world where trees will be somthing our children only read about in books"

Ah-Hello, has anyone informed the advertiser that trees are what makes books?Unless he/she is living in this Utopic,Eudomanic world where everything is recycled la.But then again, if they are living in Greenpeace Heaven, there should be lots and lots of trees for squirrels to lepak and kids to make treehouses in, and adults to make out in those treehouses under the guise of checking for, er, rabid and wild squirrels.

Or that few stupid ads about chewing gum in cinemas.Featuring that cheesy Hugh Grant wannabe who gives you a megawatt smile while urban Malaysian Tarzan and Jane gives his smiling billboard a much deserved punch, but slides down coz his 'billboard teeth' are so powerful.And that other stupid,stupid ad about vampires, howling wolves(in a greenhouse) and 'The Fresher Bite'

Whatever happened to the cool ads like Carlsberg's "I love you Baby..." with the black macha wiggling his tummy?Petronas,Telekom and Tenaga have several things in common like useless staff,lousy service and lots of overpaid Datuks in them, but they also make great festive ads with deep meaning.In that sense- tabik..

Well after surviving the Portugese,Dutch,English,Malaria,Taun,JE,Nipah,Indonesian Pirates and Al Maunah waving guns, now we got to deal with the police Squat Scandal and certain MP or Memang Poyo who suffer from attention deficit disorders i.e. constantly talking cock to garner cheap political publicity.

To these MPs, I suggest you chill, and ask yourself - do you want to be the one who starts a Perang Saudara and gets whacked in the middle of the road by angry villagers with kayu api?if the answer is no, I respectfully suggest reading Calvin and Hobbes or Playboy or whatever gets your hair down and sip some soya bean coz without the aimless barking,Parliament actually functions better.

Pondering on how amazingly great the Malaysian name has gotten in the past few days, I was a bit depressed, but then I realized it could be worse.I mean imagine how it would be like if someone like me ran Malaysia.Hmm...probably in half a year 'global trade' would translate to hustling pirates off Indonesia to buy belacan from a sampan.But then again, having friends and a cool Alba watch that my dad got me for birthday kinda makes it all worth while :D.its my second Alba after my Spoon which The Human Ass wonderfully spoilt by dropping into a deep pool.Bitch.You're not coming within a mile of this one dude.If you do, I'll badger you to death.

Thanks yvy,Lara,Francis,Pravin,Imrann,Mira,Yap,Soo,Zad and all and everyone else who I've forgotten to thank for your SMSes and birthday wishes.Made my day:D

I have an entire post thought up to bang this idiot friend of mine, but that can wait another day.Or two.Till then, adieu.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

22 At last.

Yesterday was my birthday which made  me 22. Farewell leeching off parents,hello responsibilites. Farewall talking, hello doing. Well, surprisingly, the good people in IT Dept threw a birthday breakfast.McD....:)

Its nice to know some people remember.And while I'm at it, to my evil clone Franco, happy 23rd to you too man.

Spent the night working, and contemplating on the year that was.Hmm.. the year that was...

-I got dumped in favour of educating Mongolian villagers about theology(ask me someday will you?)

-I smashed my car twice, once reversing into a tree

-I got mugged

-I added pounds and grey hair

-I got harassed by ah pons resulting in me freaking out about getting crabs

But as a resultant of that...I

-Met great friends after getting dumped.

-Got a new car (OK- so I'm lying)

-well, at least I wasn't forced to do ketuk ketampi in the balai

-Now I can tell the difference better between a female, and err, 'hairy females' and I know now that you cannot die just by getting talked to by an ah pon.

-I lost stress

And at least I have a job to go to while sulking at my so called life.Great, I'm hungry and its 5am.God help me.


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