Friday, March 20, 2009

Definitions of Moments

"WWW Moment"- The second between the time after you type "www." on your browser window and the time you take to figure out which site you want to visit next to waste your company's time.

"WTF Moment"- (1) The daze you find yourself in when you cannot decide what to respond when you are asked by your other half if she looks better in champagne,mocha or chardonnay.

(2) The look in your face when a bicycle overtakes your car.

"UN Moment" - The temporary confusion stemming from being in the same project meeting as an Indian program team lead, a Chinese systems team lead, a German engineering team lead, an American financier, A Japanese joint partner, a Malay CEO, a Chinese contractor and an Indonesian cleaner.

"Tak Nak Moment"- The second of hesitation experienced before lighting a cigarette where images of posters you drew as a child against smoking come flashing past your brain.

"Chua Soi Lek Moment" - The feeling you're being spied upon when you undo your fly in a public toilet.

"Smoke Gets In Your Eyes Moment"- The few seconds in a street demo where you get to watch a smoke bomb right before it drops on a street in front of you and releases tear inducing chemicals.

"Nazri Moment"- A burst of anger you suddenly feel for no particular reason to suddenly get up and insult another person's ethnicity.

Friday, March 06, 2009

DOTA: Samy Vellu

Abilities-Maika(Leak gold); Barisan (+HP to Pakatan);TalkCock(minus enemy life, reduce hearing) and Build Tollgate (erects a Tollgate, similar to Defense Tower)

Porn: Malaysian Style

I think I am slowly finding myself again.I decidedly decided to make a deciding decision that from today on, I am not going to let failure or success get to me.I am committed to make myself and people I care about, happy.

Talking to Hizzad this morning, the topic turned to pornography. I wondered why Malaysia does not have our own porn industry.I mean all our neighbours have it, right? All we have are like lame duck ass productions courtesy of some hidden cameras, overadventurous flight attendants, and of course, 'political assasination' porn.

We should have our own 3 star soft porn industry.What better way to promote Malaysia then through sex, right?First we begin with a brief examination of our foreign rivals.Here is a breakdown of their typical porn.Oh and by the way, err, I do not watch nor condone the watching of porn.This is, err, purely educational information obtained from reliable third party sources that have since repented from their ways and converted to become Baptists.

Indonesian porn: Girl bathes for first 45 minutes of movie.Last ten minutes crams an oral session, a bang and slam shut.Oh and you cannot see her face.

Chinese porn: PRC ambassador who looks like a taugeh seller will be doing a fat tatooed dong that looks like a VCD seller.Recommended only for people who have a thing for taugeh sellers or VCD sellers.

Taiwanese porn: 90% of it features Shu Qi wearing a bathing suit, a night suit and a birthday suit prancing around like a nymph around beaches, hills and other scenic value.Looks more like a work of art than softcore

French porn: People buy this for the French conversation that no one really understands but sounds really slutty.

Thai porn: 30 year old Thai thats *supposed* to be a student is 'seduced' by two ugly Americans.Repeat process three times.

American porn: Take a butcherhouse.Add truckers/firemen/nurses/police officers/teachers.Add hookers.Add videography.You get this.

Canadian porn: Take American porn.Add British slang.You get this.

Japanese porn: Take one power packed gorgeous Japanese chick.Add 20 fat men with small dicks. Add a whole load of screaming.Add a whole load of slapping kicking that could convince you that you were watching a documentary about marital violence.

So how would Malaysian porn be like?

I would like to think it would be a Rempit- inspired one. I would like to see sex at 180km/h

Then and only that would I concede that Malaysia indeed Boleh !

At Crossroads

Warning: This is a rant post.

I am at the point of crossroads in my life.Many, many crossroads.In fact I think I am at a highway interchange.

First and foremost I am thankful to God almighty for everything He's given me the last year.A great new job, very real and wonderful friends, a wonderful relationship that went 'boom' in my face.And now this.

This crossroads.Quite a few of them.

Maybe its His way to say slow down you jackass.Maybe its his way to repay me for all my dosa-dosa besar.But whatever it is, decisions are not an easy thing to make.

I went out with an old friend last night.She's nice and though we've known each other for a while, for reasons mysterious, I've never actually hung out with her.She's fun to be around with, and funny too.It was ackward for me at first, a bit, but a nice ackward.It was the first time I'd hung out with anyone of the opposite gender apart from no 2, without having people cockstaring me as the 'Malay terrorist cradle robber' trying to steal the 'poor Ipoh mari girl' from her hardworking chicken rice selling, BSN saving, attap house living parents.

Then there was this morning.It dawned on me.Like using a hack on your Bit Torrent, I got this rush.I realized, "Damn it, I am here.I made something of myself.I deserve something in return"

I realized I've been starving myself emotionally, financially and in many other ways.Maybe I'm still punishing myself.For the breakups, the breakdowns, the fuckups, the fuckdowns.I dunno.But this morning I was royally depressed.

I feel like I've been running this long run for so long, without end, only to finish last.And to find every single person who beat me there sitting down and sipping beer every 100m.

And that's a royally fucked up feeling.