Saturday, November 26, 2005

Mid-Road Animal Stunts

First my parents hated me.Then my friends.Then my neighbourhood pets.Now I've entered a whole new level of unpopular.Animals in the middle of the road are beginning to insult me.This week alone- 3 times.

I swear, I'm not making this up.On Tuesday, on my way back from work, I saw this rat, this ugly, rabies infested muggler of a creature cross the road like he was jaywalking.Dahlah I bawak Kancil like a madman, so I had to emergency break.This tikus paused, looked at me and I could almost see it laugh, then moved across the road and got hit by a truck.RIP, Tikus, but thats what happens when u insult Kancil drivers.Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Kancil in English translates to Mouse-deer.I dunno, but it was irritating, and now the mouse is up in mouse heaven along with Mighty Mouse, Pinky and the Brain and that creepy looking rat-sifu from Ninja Turtles.

OK, I can deal with an insult in the form of laughing la, but then yesterday on the back from work, there were these monkeys(no i don't mean screaming half naked village kids who throw objects at your car)real actual monkeys lepaking on this bridge right,and one of them waved a fist at me.Already receiving enough insults from my two legged peers, I could stand it no longer and decided to scare the bugger la., So I blare my car horn at it, and it ran and fell off the bridge.Just I had visions of Sabrina and her SPCA Gang coming to whack me up for killing animals... came the same monkey from under the bridge.Somehow he had survived another day to insult me.So I gave it the middle finger(OK, I know thats dumb, but hey I need to get the steam off my chest before you read about me driving off a ditch in tommorow's paper).So happens there's this abang in a lori who was also parked near me, and he saw the finger so I had to pretend like I was rubbing my eyes.So you see, in retrospect, its the monkey's fault.

And for my worse insult this week, today as I am driving to work, I stop at a traffic light.This anjing kurap comes along and chooses my front right tyre as his spot to piss.I jerked my car in front a bit to shoo it away.It moved a little and continued to piss on on my left front tyre.Bastard!Then after that can wag its tail some more.As though its telling me "thanks for lending me your restroom, pal"

I am on extremely low self esteem and would deem fit to jump down my office block,except I might not die, and will be left to fester away in some haphazard government hospital when the stray cats can come and piss on my plaster casted broken legs !!

Sigh...I am begining to really hate animals.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Wrong Impression

I don't get the fuss over Harry Potter and his magical artefacts.The only magical thing that ever happened to me in a Harry Potter movie, twice, was when my friend's car got broken into(chamber of secrets) and when the same guy's wallet dropped in the cinema, magically to be never seen again.(philospher's stone).I guess you can conclude that both the movies ended up for my friend as 'Car Break-in Secrets' and 'I lost my stones'

But all the same, JK Bowling is not a bad author.In a strange kind of way, her books, though dark and would give Grandpa and Grandma in Pusat Orang Tua some serious heart conditions, allows kids to stretch something they so rarely use nowadays- their imagination.For a few seconds they can be a powerful kid who can turn his irritating obese smelly uncle into a toad whenever he so wishes.I mean that has got to be easier to imagine yourself when you are a kid than a gay old wizard with white hair and a silly grey cloak and a staff that does not much more than being a wooden torchlight.

Yes I did watch Chicken Little already.Apart from the screaming kids, it was OK fun la la.The use of metaphorical, real life stuff in a comic animal world reminds me of "Mencari Cinta" or was that "Mencari Nemo" or somehting like dat la.
Now all my workmates probably think i am a sad loser with no life.Almost fully true though.When everyone is out clubbing and stuff, here I am drinking herbal tea or soya bean with a bunch of losers like me.Sigh..

Plus to add salt, twice when i opened my company webmail, and replied in non office wee mornings to the guys who are on shift...i just realized I dug my grave deeper la.Now they're gona think I'm a fat Workaholic loser.

Damn you Bernes-Lee for the Internet.But then again without u I'd have to buy porn

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Chicken Little Invades Klang

For three days now, when I walk into Jusco Bukit Raja, Klang, I am greeted with what is fast becoming an annoying tune- Ozone's Numa Numa song.Plus a giant plush stuffed toy that looks like a scrawny retarted chicken wearing corrective lenses.Yep, joining the ranks of fellow chicken movies , Chicken Run,The Chicken From Outer Space,Poultryguist and other chicken-related mascots like Superchook,Chicky and Nando's Peri Peri Chicken head, comes Chicken Little! I mean could it come at a better time, this Ayam Kecil movie.Now when we are faced with an impending bird flu outbreak that threatens to escalate into a mass panic-inducing epidemic, let's soothe the fears of the masses by using the very thing that can kill them....a cute chicken !

Well, that apart, let's stop and see where we are at.Oh yes,did I mention we're running out of things to eat.Pork-JE,Beef-Mad Cow Disease, Fish= Mercury Poisoning ...and let's not get started with Chicken Little's overgrown, antibiotic stuffed, mass breeded cousins.

No, i haven't yet watched the movie.What I did get this weekend(yes, weekend, I work on shifts and my 3 days off just ended) though was CSI and Clint Eastwood overdose.2 seasons of CSI and you begin to think forensically, like when u eat automaticcaly that 'zoom in' image of how food digests gets into your head.As for Mr Eastwood, man this is the ONLY time I agree with what my father used to say that those , there were pretty girls.Google Sondra Locke and tell me what you think.Or Farah Fawcett. Now compare that with, say, Pam Anderson or Suzanne Sommers and you'll know what I mean.To think they came from the same era as Lucille Ball and Bette Middler.No wonder la all these years I've been wondering what on earth did old people get a kick out of seeing other old wrinkly people.

And I cannot help but wonder, one day when I am old and grey(wait, I am already grey...) will I also hold a wrinkled photo of Carmen Soo or Beyonce tell my kids about how pretty they were?
And all my kids would see would be a haggard black woman with fat lips and an amah with yellow teeth.

I seriously need a girl.No, seriously, despite all the lectures about leeching and how I'll get hurt and all bitched up again(Note, the last time I got violently dumped, I threw a hissy fit, became a drama king and snapped at any household pet that tried to be friendly) And I was talking to Philip this evening over MSN where he told me he was gonna talk to a chick at his gym, and my advice was something to the amount of "Make sure u max out your gluteus maximus" Hmm, it would be great to give advice that one could actually follow, for instance, as in if I do it, my butt would wobble.

Oh well, thats all for now.I am now going to work, where like most of you, I will mostly try and look important and busy at all times.Abayo.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I Still Do Not Understand Exotic Food

There are a whole other bunch of food stuff that the longer I think about it, the less sense it makes to me.Kind of like trying to make head or tail out of a Yasmin Ahmad advertistment
The Japs ,they keep it simple.

Catch a writhing , mercury infested fish from a highly polluted ocean contaminated with flesh eating bacteria , stuff it, roll and and cut them into cute little pieces which they than gobble down with concentrated black sodium(soy sauce) and a horrid, hot smelly greenish paste that destroys the receptors of your tongue and impairs your judgment.Those who think I am exxegerating about the judgment effect, think about this- this is a country that decided it was a good idea to cycle around and invade half the world.This is the country that gave us the karaoke(where people make fools not only of themselves,but of each other!), pachinko(a highly um, manly game where people viciously attack pinball machines), at the same time making the cute mouthless,big eyed cartoon characters that can shoot fireballs while they fart.

But not us, no, we want to eat high class food.Take lobster for instance.Its basically a overgrown, mutated prawn with a hard shell.People pay by the kilo/pound and because of that huge armour they carry around, you are essentially paying for a shell.And you can't it even take it home from dinner!A freaking shell cost you half your salary wei!!Well, at least its meat la.Caviar on the other hand is basically baby fish.Its eggs.Its made from fish eggs and salt.The only thing that is probably rare in this case is the male fish sperm la.If you ask me, just grab the first ikan todak you can find in the ocean and give it a good blowjob la.More worth it.At least you would have made a happy fish.And you can write and tell SPCA and maybe they might give you a 'Pet Lover Of The Year" award.Hmm..."Man molests fish"-That would make a great headline don't you think?

But some people caviar, its the aroma....

People...what aroma....Does a chicken egg that recently got laid have any aroma to it ah?Even if it does, throw it into the sea for a couple of hours and the only aroma you get is bau lumpur.If you're paying for the taste- here's a suggestion.Go to your kitchen and put a spoonful of salt into your mouth.Its a much cheaper alternative to express hypertension.

Sigh....whatever happened to a time where grazing plants and herding fowl was all there was to food?Well the rest is set for tonight, so meanwhile, Itadetkimas!