Saturday, October 22, 2005

I Don't Understand Chinese Delicacies Part 1

Pic: Everything in the pic is edible.

Disclaimer: I am half Chinese and this post should not be intepreted as inflammatory.It is a comedic look at life.If you cannot stand humor (read:wannabe militia) ,cannot understand jokes or happen to be Amish and refuse to laugh at anything(though just to let you know, comedians globally are cracking jokes at your expense) go join your local anti-clown movement.

I really do not understand it.Every time we go to expensive Chinese restaurants they always seem to serve exotic dishes that never fail to make me go "OMG, you can EAT that?".You name it, they've most probably got it.From the rare tiger's golden balls to the bulu ketiak of the blue rabbit.But you've got to read the fine print. On the menu its just written with gempak names that often rhyme "Fiery Dragon Scratches Itchy Butt,Gas Blew Up Pizza Hut" (Fried Rice with Duck Tongue and Extra Cili Padi) or "Drunken Chicken Trying to Fly,Walk Two Steps and Then Die" (Stir Fried Wild SARS Infected Chicken with Unidentified,Possibly Fatal Plant Roots)

Or sometimes you just wonder- Why the hell would I want to eat that???I mean if you look at it objectively there are some food that we take for granted in wedding dinners or visits to the Chinese sinseh or pick up at Chinese medical halls that really got me rethinking Chinese rare dishes-

Sharks fin

Now imagine this scenario: The poor shark swimming around peacefully in the ocean, looking for Nemo, and just when he found Nemo, a vicious looking fisherman drags him out of the ocean, into a boat , potong the guys flippers(the equaivalent of chopping of our ketiaks) and dumps him back into the ocean.It happens so fast, the shark is confused, and before he knows it, he's back into the ocean minus his ability to swim. And so he looks left and right, bewildered, wondering why the hell he cannot swim! And slowly, he tenggelam ke dasar laut, and just lepaks there until the Angelfish of Death appears and brings him up to Fish Heaven(something like Langkawi Underwater World Aquarium la).Objectively, sharks fin is just like eating chicken wings, only its tasteless, odorless and has nil nutritional value.Wait, thats like paying through your nose and getting nothing in return.Kinda like going to a karaoke and all the GROs speak in deep voices and have leg hair.

Bird's Nest

This one even better.Well, birds nest is essentially made from swallow's(burung layang layang)
nest and is composed of 99% bird spit.Thats right- ludah burung wei.What would you think the poor confused birds are thinking?Susah payah they build the nest, than some Batman wannabe jokers climb up cave walls and take away their homes, kinda like home reposession la I suppose the feeling, when you don't bayar hutang and bank rampas your rumah.Except this time the home is made of spit.Birds probably thinking to itself, "Dahlah rampas rumah aku, nak makan ludah aku pulak?Bodohnya manusia nie"

Plus I heard from a friend of mine that red birds nest has the highest value.Let me get this straight-you dare eat a red substance coming out of a birds mouth/beak?Wei it probably is infected blood/phlegm la wei!!! The bird may have SARS/ bronchitis/chronic lung disease andyou wanna eat the guys spit??Tabik.

p/s: I got a few more things I thought about but time running out for me to take another nap. Graveyard shift again.So to be continued soon.

What do you think of this post?

Saturday, October 15, 2005

The Long Overdue Post

Been two weeks almost since I last updated quite a lot happened in this two weeks.Up to date I have not yet been harassed, beaten publicly,arrested under ISA or sniped down by hunters for being brown and eating during Puasa.

Opened last week with getting FFKed by Francis the Bitch.How this was discovered was highly interesting.Keep in mind he works HIGH up on the Twin Towers

Me:Dei, so what time we meeting up?
Bad Liar:Ah, Dei cannot la, my boss ask me to work today.
Me:Ah ok, never mind lar..

Fast Forward an hour later, I was dead bored

Me: Dei what time you finish work?
Bitch of a Bad Liar: Ah, dei damn a lot of work la dei...cannot make it la
(Bunyi Paddle Pop ice cream sayup-sayup kedengaran in the background)
Me: Is that an ice cream man riding around on the lift ah?
Bitch of a Bad Liar:Err, um, oh...
Me:(Flurry of beautiful languages including to shove a piece of paddle pop in his you know where)

I hereby solemnly bestow upon Francis the title PJK- Pakar Janji Kosong!

Last week was my last week of training.Went to engineering department to find out. as part of our final assignment, basic information about cranes.Was instead treated to a confusing array of numbers and letters stringed togather by funny symbols that made as much sense to me as a algebra equation written in Aramaic.

Bewildered, all we could do was nod, as the engineer proceeded to explain the intricacies of structural strength and a host of other terms that really,made us feel more and more and more stupid.To be fair, he was trying to put is as simple as possible.But seriously, at that point of time I just wished someone would hit me with a big giant rock .

Also realized that the standard answer for any question to ship workers is "Haah."

Was in the a vessel that day, and was supposed to board it when I saw this guy untying the ropes and safety net to the gangway

Me:Hi, can I see the chief?
Dude in jumpsuit:Haah.(but proceeded to untie the ropes...see if he kept going, it would mean that I would board on here, and never get to get down till we reached some small island off China)
Me:Um, what time is this ship sailing?
Dude in jumpsuit:Haah.

Exasperated, I decided to put in place what little Mandarin I knew.Miracoulously it worked, because honestly speaking, I couldn't understand myself what the hell I was saying.And so the haahing ended.And the guy began to talk to me like I spoke the language well.Here, the art of nodding again came into good play.Except when he stops and expects an answer.Thats when I should go... "Haah."

Friend of mine just returned from his three month finals in England.Now we are technically quite close la, movie and yum cha buddies.There's six of us.So when we met last night, he distributed these cute Eiffel tower key chains to the five of us la.Thanked him and sincerely appreciated the gesture.This was the day I truly learnt the meanings of 'quit while you're ahead' and 'potong stim'. After we thank him, he proceeds to tell us..

Steam Cutter:Actually hoh, its cheap only about RM 1.
(Few seconds later)
Steam cutter: I was buying something else wan, then this lady din wanna give me back my change, so force me to take this stupid keychain a few lo.

Talk about pouring cold water on fire.Habis stim kena potong.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Week I Turned Evil

What I am talking about.I was born sarcastic and/or evil.Its a personal trait, like being brown and having eyes.Well, either way, somehow, somewhere this week's edition of Cosmic Powers decided to align the planets to make me more sarcastic than usual.Thats hard to imagine, almost like Al Capone being more cool, or the Hittites being more tribal.Well,Ai-Leen called me pure evil after I told her about some of the stuff that transpired the week before, hence the title of the post.Thanks Ai-Leen, I was running out of titles anyway.Heh.

It opened with someone known as The Ex Girlfriend MSN-ing me.It was deliciously funny as I layaned this girl who dumped me like a hot potato(probably coz i was more of a spud than a stud) with as much love as Batman has for that short guy who looks like a flightless,hairless bird.
It amazes me at this point how much contempt one can muster, albeit in his mind for an innnocent someone who is trying her level best to be civil towards him.(stuff in brackets is stuff I thought up in my mind while talking to her)
Well X if you are reading this, its just meant to be a joke la rite, so kindly hold on to that Molokov cocktail for now.

X: Harlo...
The Dropped Potato:Hi (Well if it isn't the Heartbreak Queen)
X:How are you doing?
The Dropped Potato:Fine(I'm doing great.I hope you're doing really bad)
X:How is work?
The Dropped Potato:Not too bad la(Thats an understatement...i am peachy!great!I rock). How is your work?
X:Oh fine...I left my last job

[[At this point yours truly hurriedly checked out to friendster to verify what he thought]]

The Dropped Potato: Yea, I heard you became a headhunter.Where in Sarawak?(Oops, sometimes sarcasm leaks out)
X:'nudges' me.
X:No la, in KL
The Dropped Potato::KL is a BIG place
The Dropped Potato:What happened to Company X?[note: which I thought she worked for]
X:No la, I never worked there?
The Dropped Potato:Why did you quit your previous job?(I know, coz God smacked you in the ass for dumping me and your boss was continously harassing you due to low productivity and
kelembapan maksima rite??)
X:Wanted a change in environment(What your last office didn't have enough plants to produce oxygen for you?)
The Dropped Potato:Ic...ic(No, actually I do not.)
X:Nudges me again(WTF?What do I look like, a body bag?)
The Dropped Potato:I heard some other girls also did not want to do anything IT related.
X:Yea, dunno why(Oh, but I think I do.......)
The Dropped Potato:So headhunt me lar LOL(That has gotta be the lamest thing I said to anyone all day)
X:Well, we only deal with middle management, so come find me after 5 years or so la.
The Dropped Potato:I AM in middle management, I think in 5 years time you'll have to find me a job more high up la.(There leaks the sarcasm again!)

I shall truncate the conversation here, for the following details were a little too sarcastic for public viewing la :P

Two other funny things happened this week, both has a touch in religion.Firstly this morning in church.Now I don't know if you know how Catholics pray la, but there's thing called the opening hymn la where the commentator(prayer leader for my Protestant friends who are confused now, and the loosest translation I can figure for Muslims is Bilal la.Nawruz, I have no idea how Bahai brothers pray, you gotta tell me how someday).So anyway, the overhead projecter or something jammed la and so it was something like this

Commentator:Let us arise and sing the hymn (name)...
Silence for abt 7 minutes as we all looked at each other, utterly confused where no music came on, no one started singing and we were all looking at each other and behind, to an equally lost priest who had the patience of probably Jesus himself.If I would have been a priest(pause, laugh, continue) I would've yelled or started singing to myself while walking to the front.

Now the second incident was in training to learn about about vessels (ships) and planning a vessel where the trainer, who thought I was a Muslim (I dunno why in Malaysia people tend to associate the colour brown with Islam) goes

* To understand this joke, you got to know all week long, to almost every question, the correct answer has been to this point, Vessel Planners

T: Bila hari kiamat, Allah SWT akan soal siapa dulu di muka penghakiman?
Me(totally full,totally lost after lunch and blur from overdose of information from a day of training): Vessel Planners?

The trainer is the nicest guy here and one of the most knowledgeable I've met and he blinked.Then my Muslim fellow trainers repeated after me...Vessel planners, somehow got it as a joke and laughed.Me, I was still trying to understand the question.

Well thats all for now,I'm off to sleep again.